Two weeks of widowhood.

Oh Angel your story is so like mine. He started to feel like he was coming down with something on a Friday afternoon. That morning everything was as normal. He got cold and shivery, then he got a temperature and went to bed. Temperature broke but he was very wheezy. About midnight he sat on the edge of the bed and said he had trouble breathing. He got taken to hospital with suspected sepsis. I stayed all night with him not thinking for a moment he wouldn’t come home. He got worse but the hospital were treating him, they would make him better. At about 1pm after being awake for 36 hours I thought if I went home, had something to eat, maybe a quick nap I could get back to spend the rest of the day with him. About 90 mins later my son rang me to say they were putting him on a ventilator to give him some rest and the antibiotics a chance to work. Hopefully it will be just for a short time. He had a cardiac arrest, they got him back so I was beside him when he died but like you I should have been there when they out him under. I should have told him he would be ok and that I would be here when he woke. I beat myself up for not realising how ill he was. I got a call with the doctor in charge after a few weeks and I had a real go at her. She knew he might die at 10am that morning. She said she explained all his problems but I am not a doctor I assumed the treatments would make him better. I was sobbing down the phone telling her how I missed his last concious moments and how most of the time I was sitting in the corner of his room keeping out of everyones way when I should have been holding his hand. She said in future she would make things clear to the relatives. If our roles had been reversed he would have picked up on it. While waiting for the ambulance he said he wasn’t ready to die. I told him he was being silly. As you can tell I am still very angry about it, angry at them and me. I know he wouldn’t have blamed me. He would rather I didn’t see all that. I wanted to view the body as I did not want to remember him in that bed on a ventilator. They couldn’t take the tubes out until the independent doctors reviewed his care and determined a cause of death. It was nearly two weeks before I could see him. The undertakers said they would tell me if they didn’t think it advisable but he looked fine and I am so glad that my last look at him was peaceful. They couldn’t put him in a coffin as I didn’t yet have the certificate but they had him in a bed which was much nicer. It took 25 hours to go from happy to distraught.

Angel don’t cut your posts down. Getting it off your chest is great. I have told this story so many times but to say it again feels good. Look how I have rambled on again. You will still be playing all this round your head but be assured that does settle down. It still goes round my head but far less often now. I have forgiven myself, not the doctors though. That last day does not define the 45 years we had together. He knew I loved him.

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Peaches if your anything like me the drawers won’t stay that way for long :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:
Glad you’re feeling upbeat, you deserve to be after that mammoth task!
I didn’t go to sleep till late but did sleep well from then! Woke up to rain but its stopped now (11am) and the sun is shining, might not stay like that, the rain could start again, it is Scotland after all we are used to that xxx
Take care Peaches and enjoy basking in your great achievement xxx

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So sorry for your loss, it is so so hard in those early weeks and months. You are right mid 50’s is way too soon.
You will find lots of support on here, we are all at different stages of this grief journey and it feels like we have become friends even though we have never met, so feel free to ask for advice or help and someone will always be here to help if they can. It does help just talking to people who are going through the same, it certainly has for me!
You most certainly have done the right thing joining this group, take care, will be thinking of you xxx

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Oh Angel7 you have me in tears reading about your birthday and your daughter giving you the card & chocolates from your partner xx
Thats the thing about this grief journey you cry at everything, and we have all thought that when we see other couples together, its only natural to feel like that xxx

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Never apologise, make them as long as you want them to be xxx

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Lizzy that book would definitely bore me to sleep, I read mostly thrillers all murder and gore lol! Though I read Nadine Dorries book on the downfall of Boris, very interesting reading so asked my son for the follow up about the downfall of the conservative party and Boris Biography for xmas. I don’t even vote conservative but I’m a big fan of Boris and wanted to see his take on what his own party did to him( but just know he will be nice as pie and forgive them) ! I usually read books on my kindle but these 2 for xmas are hardbacks and god its tiring to hold them for long periods xxx

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Angel, I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband, especially so young. I also lost my wife unexpectedly in November - she went into hospital with a chest infection, which was not unusual for her. I understand the total devastation you’re feeling too. In a way I was lucky in that there was no need for post mortem and was then able to see her at the funeral home. That must have been so hard not to be able to do that.

That was a lovely thing your daughter did - I found my Christmas present and card from Mary, and wrapped the present and put the card unsigned into the envelope and opened them both with all my family on Christmas day. It was very special.

You’ve certainly come to the right group here, such lovely people, whom I feel blessed to call friends without seeing or meeting them in person. We’re all here to support everyone - and you’ll often find someone around at any hour of the day or night. We’re all different and at different stages of this road, but we share that one thing that binds us together - the loss of our soul mate, partner and love of our lives.

Just remember, the greater the pain, the greater the love.

Sending love and hugs. Nigel xxx

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Georgi, I read on my iPad and usually find it in the bed somewhere in the morning. My husband loved all crime novels, he liked a proper book, it was always a good thing to get him for Christmas. It was usually a new hardback one as I never knew what he had already read, he loved all tv crime progs as well, he would watch them all day and night if I let him. My tv will wonder what’s happened as I never put any on as it reminds me too much of him. I also threw out all his nice new books I bought him when I was manically cleaning on that first week. I wish I hadn’t done that now.
Well I’ve done about a third of the room, it’s hard work, the wall is awful, I hope Amazon deliver my filler today, I think I might need a lot of it. I have music blaring to help me along…
tea break over xxx

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Lizzy I think I would have got on great with your husband, I love watching true crime programs and dramas on tv too xx
You’re doing a grand job in that room it’s hard work stripping wallpaper on your own even with a steamer ! Remember to take breaks, none of us are getting any younger and we need plenty of breaks when doing DIY for sure xxx

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I am currently having my usual lunch( crackers & farmhouse pate with cherry tomatoes ) I am a creature of habit :rofl:

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Georgi, I’m about to do ham sandwiches, as I had a friend of Mary’s pop in today and I hadn’t had time for breakfast due to an early hearing aid check up. She’s a bit like you guys, a wise person and a good listener, with sensible ‘advice’!

I’m out with some guys tonight, one a widower, and I’ve never actually been out with these guys before, despite one being my son’s father in law. Dinner will be a take away afterwards I think, so I need to eat something now!! It might be a few drinks or decent ale which will be nice.

Nigel xxx

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Angel, that was lovely of your daughter doing that, Happy Birthday. It’s mine next month, that will be a sad day without him. It was our 70th last year and he sent me this massive card from moonpig, he wasn’t brilliant at doing personal cards but he thought he had and got them to post it to me. When I opened it , it said Susan instead of Lizzy. I just laughed and told him he sent it to the wrong wife lol. I kept it and I might put it up just to make me a smile. My grandson bought me a Positive Potato for Christmas, I don’t know if you have ever seen them, it’s like a tiny knitted potato and it’s holding a wee sign. It says I may be a tiny potato, but I believe in you. Go do your thing! He keeps telling me to be positive.
Strange as it may sound but I look at people in coffee shops just wondering what their lives are like. I wonder if the other lonesome people are going through what I’m going through.
Well a very strange thing happened there, Loose Women are on the tv and my iPad starting typing what they were saying, I didn’t know if you press the microphone button it would type it for you. I don’t remember pressing it. Take care :hugs::hugs::hugs:

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Good advice as always xxx

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Yip Lizzy my Ipad and phone do that sometimes too when I’m trying to write a msg, most annoying x

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That had been nice to see her, visitors are always welcome, breaks up the day and cheers you up, enjoy your sandwich also your evening and don’t you men get drunk and rowdy( only joking) it will be nice to have a boys only evening xxx

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Lizzy that is one card that definitely should be kept & treasured because it will always make you smile xx
As I have said before my 66th birthday was 8 days before my husband passed and he was sleeping most of the time but I spent most of my time in bedroom with him and I was opening a card he asked what that was and I said its my birthday today, he whispered Happy Birthday and I can still here him say that when I look back on those last wks when he was bedridden and there I’m off again tears flowing

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Well done all, sounds like you’re all doing lots at the moment.

I agree that people just don’t realise how we feel, when they talk about certain subjects. I too tend to say nothing when something I can’t quite handle comes up. My brother and sister were very good though this week on a Zoom video call, as they didn’t talk about Mary. I didn’t really want to at that time, and they took the lead from me. We also didn’t talk about my Sister’s son who has cancer at 39, with no good outcome predicted. We know she can’t often talk about that situation so we’ve learnt not to say too much, unless she does. There’s plenty of other times we can talk about them both.

At last - after a decent night of sleep, I’ve had contact from the car dealership - I hope we can get the sale done before 1 February, or I’ll have another month of tax and insurance to pay. But I guess that’s not much on the scheme of things.

I’ve managed well this week, as I haven’t been to the grave since Saturday and I’m not feeling guilty any more. Thank you all for your support with that dilemma. As it’s not raining I may just pop up for a few minutes today and then at the weekend though. I’ve also had a good couple of days, except that I cooked Sugar Snaps to have with the beef last night, and left them in the microwave!

I think it’s going to be tough going to France on my own soon, but I have no choice and will have to deal with sentimental situations as they come up. I just hope it’s not too bad, but being there on my own is not much different to being here on my own is it? Except there’s no family nearby if I need them. It wouldn’t surprise me to get invitations for aperitives or even dinner from neighbours, but I’m not sure how I’d handle that with the French speaking ones! They’re sweet people but I’m probably not ready for that yet.

I hope everyone has a good day today. Much love to you all. Nigel xxx

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Thanks Georgi, although she’s one of those ‘kiss on the lips’ people - not sure about that! The French have a much better way, two pecks (or three) on the cheeks! It’s a lovely little micro pub so we’ll be well behaved! Other than my kids, strangely I’ve only had female visitors since the funeral, so it will be good to have a boys night out. It’s next door to the take away, and easy staggering distance from home too! Nigel xxx

Debsie, I feel reading your loss is like mine.
It’s pretty long and I keep going over it and my daughter and her bf are sick of me repeating myself and going over everything so I don’t really talk about it now. They say I did nothing wrong but I blame myself and my hubby would tell me I am being too hard on myself if he was here.

What happened was.
I December we was doing lots of Xmas shopping I saved up last year for it so we had a bit of money to make it special so we was out most days but coz we get the bus there was people who was coughing, and I was like hoping we wouldn’t come down with anything but come 23rd I felt a bit icky and was worried thinking great now husband will get ill and it just been his birthday a few weeks ago and he was looking forward to having turkey on Xmas day and when he gets ill he’s doesn’t get over it as fast like me about a week or 2 he gets better, I’m pretty much over it after a few days and I don’t hardly get ill. So I was hoping he can least enjoy his turkey what he did but I knew something was off as he wasn’t his self like he would say I can smell the turkey when he got up in the morning. But we had a nice Xmas and he loved his gifts from daughter and me. But daughter was ill Xmas day so after dinner she went to bed and she was OK the next day still under the weather, my hubby was OK but was feeling under the weather I seriously think he was waiting to after my daughter went to her bf family on the 28th December 2024 coz after he said bye to her he went to bed and rested and the next day he was bad
That Sunday night he couldn’t move and was on the floor and I was telling him should I call the ambulance and he was like no, I had to leave him coz I couldn’t help get him up after hours trying and he was getting worn out but still didn’t want me to call for help, so I went to sleep in my daughters room well tried. Woke up to him moving and he got onto our bed and then the next day Monday he was up and said see I can move and told me something clicked and he noticed he could move again and he looked OK and talking he had a bath I washed the bedding we spent a few hours together and he was feeling tired so he went to bed early the next day it was like he did one step forward and 2 steps back coz it was back to coughing and feeling bad and he couldn’t hardly move I was sooo worried about him ask if he should go to the doctors and he was like no I be better soon he came down for new years eve for an hour and he seemed fine then after the new year came he went back upstairs to rest then next day new year he was back to coughing and not moving that well. I didn’t sleep in our room the last week coz I didn’t want to get what he had as I thought if I did then I couldn’t look after him and him with me. So thought it be best I kept away but kept bringing him fresh water and try to get him to eat he didn’t eat much. It really was like one step forward and 2 steps back that Monday he was fine the next day he was ill, but came down in the evening seemed fine and then the next day back to square one but he still thought he would get better come Saturday he still wasn’t any better and I said to my daughter by message that by now he usually shows signs of getting better and I even turned round to him and said you not getting better and he mumbled no, he couldn’t hardly speak I was finding it hard to know exactly what he wanted. I was getting so frustrated with him and angry at times coz he wouldn’t go see the doctor and it was awful hearing him and seeing him finding it hard to move, and I told him come Monday I am calling the doctor and he be seeing one. Come that Monday I called the doctor and he heard him and said coz it be 4 hours till he could do a house visit to call an ambulance and I said he wouldn’t let me but hubby was like yeah at that point, he was finding it hard to breath and coughing. I find myself going over and over that day, when the ambulance did come the 3 lady’s was trying to get him to sit up but he was finding it hard but he did get up and sat on the edge of the bed, they said everything seemed normal but wanted to take him in for more oxygen as it was low they did think it was covid but when they got him outside he looked yellow and his stomach was swollen I never noticed as he been in bed for the last week even through he been ill for 2 weeks it was only the last week he was really bad but only had those few good days and moments here and there. When we went in to hospital the doctor had to talk to me coz he couldn’t understand hubby and ask me why I didn’t call sooner and I had to explain that he didn’t want me to call them and I respect what my hubby wants but said that I put my foot down that day as I said if he not better I will call then.
They did an xray and blood works and I remember just sitting there not saying a word and hubby looking at me every now and then, he probably knew my head was racing and all thoughts was going through it, I did get up once and went to his side and said I am worried and he didn’t say anything so I just went and sat back down. I was like getting worried that they would just send him home and all I could think about was the bedding not clean and the bathroom and thought I don’t want him sleeping in his own germs if he’s got covid and it just going round and round I need to get it all nice and clean for him for when he comes back. I was hoping they give him some good medication to make him better and he stay in for a few days to get some rest coz he hasn’t been able to rest for that last week, not probably and I haven’t been keeping the place tidy coz I been trying to make sure he had water and was OK so thought if he stays for a few days he gets rest and I can pop back home and clean up a bit for him so he be in a nice clean space. I didn’t think that was my last time seeing my husband awake he was keeping an eye on the time as I noticed his eyes going to the clock.

It was 9am I called the ambulance they said it be an hour but they came 5/10 minutes later we didn’t get into the ambulance till 10 something and was in the hospital just coming up to 11am, the lunch lady came and ask if he could have something to eat and they said no not yet but the lady gave him a turkey sandwich coz that what he tried asking for and the lady gave me a sandwich and some soup, and he wanted coffee and I said that will come round after. After awhile he asked if I ate my sandwich and I said yes.
it was so hard to understand what he was saying half the time, he ask if I told our daughter and I said yes she’s on her way. When our daughter did come she was only allowed in her bf wasn’t allowed as there was only ment tk be 2 people in at a time, she stayed for a bit and made jokes coz they always banter together and you could tell he wanted to banter back but couldn’t. My daughter went after abit as her bf was out waiting and said she will be at home and I akd him if I should go with her back home this was around 4pm and he looked at me and I thought no, (I have really hard time getting on buses by myself) so I stayed and the time just seemed it was going fast coz when I looked it was coming up to 5.30pm and they did come in and said they think he has an infection on his lungs and that what coursing the fluid in his stomach but wasn’t sure about his liver and why he was yellow, they ask if he drinks and I said no and he said no they ask if he smokes said no and the they said about pills if he overdose I said he took some a few days ago but nothing was working so don’t think he’s taken any and they said it’s coz they found high levels of painkillers and that could course his liver to stop working properly and that’s why he was yellow and that’s why they ask if he drinks coz that’s the only thing they see all the time with people who drinks alot then being yellow, and that the painkillers is rare.
It was 6pm and my hubby did the hand single like walk, I said you want me to go for a walk he shock his head I said you want me to go home and he nodded so I said I would go to the loo and go, went to the loo got my stuff and told him I love him and I would see him tomorrow (Tuesday) then I just walked out and I was waiting for the bus but I felt I don’t know not sure but the I thought I have to get these buses coz it be the night time buses soon and I know my hubby wouldn’t want me hanging about waiting for them. (I still think about that me just walking out of that room I can’t remember if I said I love you, all I can see is me saying see you tomorrow and then walking out I really did think I was going to see him the next day but in another room and them telling me what was really going on.) they was still waiting on blood works coz they had to do the again coz they got cancelled and they was still looking at the xrays when I left they did put him on another mask for the oxygen to see if he was fine with that one as they tried it before and his oxygen went down to 91 and they wanted it kept at 94 over. When I left he was fine just coughing, but I thought he seemed better with the oxygen he really hated it and wanted it off but I told him he should keep it on as it helping him.
I got home and my daughter and her bf was there and I just cried I didn’t cry all day, after I got on with cleaning the bedroom and bedding and cleaned the bathroom and had a bath as I didn’t have much of time the last week as I was looking after him and didn’t want to be in the bath just incase he needed something or needed to go. I had a bath and when I got out and got dressed I looked at my phone and saw i missed a phone call called my daughter up and ask her to pick up if it calls again as it was an unknown number, plus needed to put on my socks and it called and it was the hospital saying that they had to put him to sleep so they could take over his breathing to give him a rest but we needed to come in, and coz we don’t drive and the buses was near the time of not running I was like thinking how can we get there but daughter knew I was getting worked up and said don’t worrie we can get there we just get a uber. We got there and the nurse was like it can be overwhelming seeing them all wired up when I walked in and saw him he looked so peaceful like sleeping after being coughing all that week but also all those wires and the beeps they said not to worrie that they know all the beeps, I stayed for a few hours but then the thought came to mind that in the rush to get there I left the heating on and it was on full blast and I was thinking oh no I did think about turning it off but forgot as was in a rush to get to him, I would of stayed, daughter stayed and I went back with her bf to turn off the heating and dry the bedding, they did resured me that he was in good hands and daughter bf said that the liver can easily mend itself and that he be fine. I didn’t sleep much 6am came and daughter said they kick her out so they could do stuff and she stayed till 8am but they was still working on him so ask if it was OK to come home I said yes.

(visiting times was 1pm to 8pm but coz he was showing signs of not making it we got to stay in and they let daughter bf in with us when we got there that Monday night/Tuesday morning.)

I didn’t get much sleep and daughter came back and went to bed to get some sleep and said the beeping was awful coz she would doze off and then beeps and nurses coming in and checking on him and she didn’t know what was going on. It came to 1pm and I was getting anxious about going so didn’t leave till 2pm and of course the bus from town to hospital was late and I got lost so didn’t get there till just after 3pm. When I got in I talked to him as they said he would still be able to hear me and that’s when the doctor came in and told gave me the talk but I said there still hope and she said yes but it be a big miracle but it can happen but said they just wanted to make me aware that if things doesn’t improve then they would have to make the call. I cried sooo much and my daughter she was going to come but when I messaged her when I was out of the room as you not allowed to have phones in there she said she wasn’t coming as she seen him that morning, and I had to ask her bf to try a d get her to come as I didn’t want to tell her over message so he got her to come and just said they come pick me up. I was going to wait till after we got back that night to tell her the news but some other doctor needed to talk to us so I had to break it to her j the waiting room it was the most heart breaking thing j had to tell her, she said she was glad I was the one to tell her before the doctor said anything, he wasn’t that nice like the lady doctor who told me, he had to ask me again if my hubby drank and I said no and then he ask my daughter about stuff like I didn’t know much and my daughter told him exactly what I said.
Anyways they said we could see him again and then we had to leave as they was going to be doing stuff and washing him. Daughter bf family came down and took us home that night. I didn’t sleep much and the next morning at 9.30am we got a call from the hospital saying to come in coz he was getting worst. We got an uber there and on the way 2 songs played and I knew that was from him and knew he was giving me a message. When we got there they took us to another room and said they was throwing everything at him and he was on max oxygen and they ask about a liver transplant but they said with him being so ill he won’t or might not make it through the op and said there is nothing else they could do. I was just numb and my daughter was in tears they said they will let us have our farewells and they will turn stuff off my daughter ask again if they was sure they couldn’t do any more and they said they was. We both was telling him to fight to stay and saying how much we love him and when they came in and turned off the machines and said they will come back in when he passed 5 minutes they came back in and nodded that he passed I couldn’t believe what was happening 12 something he passed. We stayed for abit and they ask us to leave so a doctor could do the final check and for then to take put the tubes and unplug the machines from him so we could see him with out them. I went into the waiting room and a lady ask if we wanted to wait in a room where there wasn’t other people. Then we was told we could go back in and daughter and bf stayed for abit and was telling him stuff and I turned around and said look he’s smiling, he looked so happy daughter bf said it be the drugs he was on as he was on the good stuff but he looked like he was just sleeping, got ask of we could leave again just so the doctor could go over him and do the paperwork. When we went back in his nose was bleeding so I tried to wipe it but it just kept coming, daughter and her bf stayed just for abit then left to make a phone call but I stayed and talked with him for a long time a nurse came in and said if I wanted her to clean him I said yes but thought she was going to just wash his face but she went and I told him that I would stay for aslong as I could that they would have to kick me out, as I had a feeling they would be. After abit another nurse came in and said they was getting worried about me and that I should go home and I said sorry for hiding them up she said no don’t worry it just they was getting worried about me seeing him in that state.
As I said earlier I still couldn’t leave when I went to the waiting room the nurse had to come out and talk to me and was really worried about me. Went home and went to bed as daughter had a friend who came over to the hospital to give her support and to me, and thought I just go to bed and give the time, has I wasn’t in much of state and didn’t want to be crying all the time.
I stopped eating and drinking coz every time I tried my body would just be sick.
Daughter was getting worried coz I was in bed for the week and abit and wasn’t eating and if I did I was sick.

But I can’t believe it Monday I took him in to only find out that he had liver damage it was the infection what tipped it over they said the damage was done over time and he was living with the liver damaging over and over and he only had a small amount working and that the infection was the last straw. They said he had it for years and some people don’t know about it as the symptoms doesn’t show. So it was a ticking time bomb.

They said that I did everything right and wasn’t to blame and that if I did call the ambulance the last week and he turned around and said no they would of listened to him and not bring him in and that if he did come in it would of ended up being the same situation.

I think if I did bring him in sooner j wouldn’t have had that one good Monday and that one hour for new year and a few odd moments here and there thatast week.

But I can not stop going over that last week and that last Monday in hospital thinking i shouldn’t of thought he was coming back home that I should of spoken more to him and tell him how much I loved him and how much I appreciated him and I shouldn’t have left him. If I knew that was my last time seeing him awake I wouldn’t have left him and even when they gave me the talk I still believed and hoped he would wake up and be coming home. I had hope right to the end.

I can’t forgive myself and feel what if he thought I didn’t care or loved him. I feel that he’s not around me, but daughter says there been alot of signs and he is but I just can’t feel it and worried that he hates me coz of how frustrated I was with him that last week, how i didn’t sleep with him coz I was worried to come down with something like what I thought he had when in reality it wasn’t. I feel like i didn’t get to say everything to him even through the doctors told me I can still tell him as he can hear me still but felt that not the same he couldn’t tell me stuff.

I so wish I could go back to any day and tell him how much he means to me. I also wished it was me and not him.

But those 3 days and that last week goes around my head all the time.

I know my daughter and the nurses told me I have nothing to blame myself for but all I can see in my head is me walking out of that hospital room when he told me to go home and not thinking that was going to be my last time seeing him awake. And I even question it like what if he wasn’t telling me to go.
I also think what if he was scared when they said they was going to put him to sleep so they can take over his breathing and give him a rest. Did they tell him what was wrong with him. Did he think that was it or did he think he was going to sleep and then wake up and see me and daughter by his side.

I also feel bad that i wanted him to wake up to tell me he loves me and to say our goodbyes. Coz I feel like if he did wake up would he wanted to know how ill he was and think it probably was the best he didn’t know that the last thought was probably he was going to wake up and see us.

We never knew he was ill, daughter said she sort of had the feeling something was wrong but each time she ask him to go get check out he just brushed it off.
He just thought he would be getting better and i don’t think it ever crossed his mind that day that was his last as it never even crossed my mind. Even through I was worried I was trying my best to act strong.

I don’t want to be down here no more and want to end it. The pain is just to much but as i said if it wasn’t for my daughter staying with me I don’t think I could carry on.
Sleeping in our bed is hard and waking up to another day with out him is hard.
I hate the 3 days now but daughter and her bf says I should not think those days has bad coz there be good those days and bad those days.

I try to go out as much as I can and I hate coming back home.
I think it coz we was planning on moving house we moved to this house 2 years ago but it wasn’t our forever home and was planning on putting our names down to move this year and now that not going to happen.

Sorry for the long post

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Thats so true Mbg a house is just bricks and mortar, the memories we keep inside our hearts and nothing can take them away!
Thats a big house to live in on your own, and as you say a big upkeep, when your ready you will move xxx

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