Debsie, I feel reading your loss is like mine.
It’s pretty long and I keep going over it and my daughter and her bf are sick of me repeating myself and going over everything so I don’t really talk about it now. They say I did nothing wrong but I blame myself and my hubby would tell me I am being too hard on myself if he was here.
What happened was.
I December we was doing lots of Xmas shopping I saved up last year for it so we had a bit of money to make it special so we was out most days but coz we get the bus there was people who was coughing, and I was like hoping we wouldn’t come down with anything but come 23rd I felt a bit icky and was worried thinking great now husband will get ill and it just been his birthday a few weeks ago and he was looking forward to having turkey on Xmas day and when he gets ill he’s doesn’t get over it as fast like me about a week or 2 he gets better, I’m pretty much over it after a few days and I don’t hardly get ill. So I was hoping he can least enjoy his turkey what he did but I knew something was off as he wasn’t his self like he would say I can smell the turkey when he got up in the morning. But we had a nice Xmas and he loved his gifts from daughter and me. But daughter was ill Xmas day so after dinner she went to bed and she was OK the next day still under the weather, my hubby was OK but was feeling under the weather I seriously think he was waiting to after my daughter went to her bf family on the 28th December 2024 coz after he said bye to her he went to bed and rested and the next day he was bad
That Sunday night he couldn’t move and was on the floor and I was telling him should I call the ambulance and he was like no, I had to leave him coz I couldn’t help get him up after hours trying and he was getting worn out but still didn’t want me to call for help, so I went to sleep in my daughters room well tried. Woke up to him moving and he got onto our bed and then the next day Monday he was up and said see I can move and told me something clicked and he noticed he could move again and he looked OK and talking he had a bath I washed the bedding we spent a few hours together and he was feeling tired so he went to bed early the next day it was like he did one step forward and 2 steps back coz it was back to coughing and feeling bad and he couldn’t hardly move I was sooo worried about him ask if he should go to the doctors and he was like no I be better soon he came down for new years eve for an hour and he seemed fine then after the new year came he went back upstairs to rest then next day new year he was back to coughing and not moving that well. I didn’t sleep in our room the last week coz I didn’t want to get what he had as I thought if I did then I couldn’t look after him and him with me. So thought it be best I kept away but kept bringing him fresh water and try to get him to eat he didn’t eat much. It really was like one step forward and 2 steps back that Monday he was fine the next day he was ill, but came down in the evening seemed fine and then the next day back to square one but he still thought he would get better come Saturday he still wasn’t any better and I said to my daughter by message that by now he usually shows signs of getting better and I even turned round to him and said you not getting better and he mumbled no, he couldn’t hardly speak I was finding it hard to know exactly what he wanted. I was getting so frustrated with him and angry at times coz he wouldn’t go see the doctor and it was awful hearing him and seeing him finding it hard to move, and I told him come Monday I am calling the doctor and he be seeing one. Come that Monday I called the doctor and he heard him and said coz it be 4 hours till he could do a house visit to call an ambulance and I said he wouldn’t let me but hubby was like yeah at that point, he was finding it hard to breath and coughing. I find myself going over and over that day, when the ambulance did come the 3 lady’s was trying to get him to sit up but he was finding it hard but he did get up and sat on the edge of the bed, they said everything seemed normal but wanted to take him in for more oxygen as it was low they did think it was covid but when they got him outside he looked yellow and his stomach was swollen I never noticed as he been in bed for the last week even through he been ill for 2 weeks it was only the last week he was really bad but only had those few good days and moments here and there. When we went in to hospital the doctor had to talk to me coz he couldn’t understand hubby and ask me why I didn’t call sooner and I had to explain that he didn’t want me to call them and I respect what my hubby wants but said that I put my foot down that day as I said if he not better I will call then.
They did an xray and blood works and I remember just sitting there not saying a word and hubby looking at me every now and then, he probably knew my head was racing and all thoughts was going through it, I did get up once and went to his side and said I am worried and he didn’t say anything so I just went and sat back down. I was like getting worried that they would just send him home and all I could think about was the bedding not clean and the bathroom and thought I don’t want him sleeping in his own germs if he’s got covid and it just going round and round I need to get it all nice and clean for him for when he comes back. I was hoping they give him some good medication to make him better and he stay in for a few days to get some rest coz he hasn’t been able to rest for that last week, not probably and I haven’t been keeping the place tidy coz I been trying to make sure he had water and was OK so thought if he stays for a few days he gets rest and I can pop back home and clean up a bit for him so he be in a nice clean space. I didn’t think that was my last time seeing my husband awake he was keeping an eye on the time as I noticed his eyes going to the clock.
It was 9am I called the ambulance they said it be an hour but they came 5/10 minutes later we didn’t get into the ambulance till 10 something and was in the hospital just coming up to 11am, the lunch lady came and ask if he could have something to eat and they said no not yet but the lady gave him a turkey sandwich coz that what he tried asking for and the lady gave me a sandwich and some soup, and he wanted coffee and I said that will come round after. After awhile he asked if I ate my sandwich and I said yes.
it was so hard to understand what he was saying half the time, he ask if I told our daughter and I said yes she’s on her way. When our daughter did come she was only allowed in her bf wasn’t allowed as there was only ment tk be 2 people in at a time, she stayed for a bit and made jokes coz they always banter together and you could tell he wanted to banter back but couldn’t. My daughter went after abit as her bf was out waiting and said she will be at home and I akd him if I should go with her back home this was around 4pm and he looked at me and I thought no, (I have really hard time getting on buses by myself) so I stayed and the time just seemed it was going fast coz when I looked it was coming up to 5.30pm and they did come in and said they think he has an infection on his lungs and that what coursing the fluid in his stomach but wasn’t sure about his liver and why he was yellow, they ask if he drinks and I said no and he said no they ask if he smokes said no and the they said about pills if he overdose I said he took some a few days ago but nothing was working so don’t think he’s taken any and they said it’s coz they found high levels of painkillers and that could course his liver to stop working properly and that’s why he was yellow and that’s why they ask if he drinks coz that’s the only thing they see all the time with people who drinks alot then being yellow, and that the painkillers is rare.
It was 6pm and my hubby did the hand single like walk, I said you want me to go for a walk he shock his head I said you want me to go home and he nodded so I said I would go to the loo and go, went to the loo got my stuff and told him I love him and I would see him tomorrow (Tuesday) then I just walked out and I was waiting for the bus but I felt I don’t know not sure but the I thought I have to get these buses coz it be the night time buses soon and I know my hubby wouldn’t want me hanging about waiting for them. (I still think about that me just walking out of that room I can’t remember if I said I love you, all I can see is me saying see you tomorrow and then walking out I really did think I was going to see him the next day but in another room and them telling me what was really going on.) they was still waiting on blood works coz they had to do the again coz they got cancelled and they was still looking at the xrays when I left they did put him on another mask for the oxygen to see if he was fine with that one as they tried it before and his oxygen went down to 91 and they wanted it kept at 94 over. When I left he was fine just coughing, but I thought he seemed better with the oxygen he really hated it and wanted it off but I told him he should keep it on as it helping him.
I got home and my daughter and her bf was there and I just cried I didn’t cry all day, after I got on with cleaning the bedroom and bedding and cleaned the bathroom and had a bath as I didn’t have much of time the last week as I was looking after him and didn’t want to be in the bath just incase he needed something or needed to go. I had a bath and when I got out and got dressed I looked at my phone and saw i missed a phone call called my daughter up and ask her to pick up if it calls again as it was an unknown number, plus needed to put on my socks and it called and it was the hospital saying that they had to put him to sleep so they could take over his breathing to give him a rest but we needed to come in, and coz we don’t drive and the buses was near the time of not running I was like thinking how can we get there but daughter knew I was getting worked up and said don’t worrie we can get there we just get a uber. We got there and the nurse was like it can be overwhelming seeing them all wired up when I walked in and saw him he looked so peaceful like sleeping after being coughing all that week but also all those wires and the beeps they said not to worrie that they know all the beeps, I stayed for a few hours but then the thought came to mind that in the rush to get there I left the heating on and it was on full blast and I was thinking oh no I did think about turning it off but forgot as was in a rush to get to him, I would of stayed, daughter stayed and I went back with her bf to turn off the heating and dry the bedding, they did resured me that he was in good hands and daughter bf said that the liver can easily mend itself and that he be fine. I didn’t sleep much 6am came and daughter said they kick her out so they could do stuff and she stayed till 8am but they was still working on him so ask if it was OK to come home I said yes.
(visiting times was 1pm to 8pm but coz he was showing signs of not making it we got to stay in and they let daughter bf in with us when we got there that Monday night/Tuesday morning.)
I didn’t get much sleep and daughter came back and went to bed to get some sleep and said the beeping was awful coz she would doze off and then beeps and nurses coming in and checking on him and she didn’t know what was going on. It came to 1pm and I was getting anxious about going so didn’t leave till 2pm and of course the bus from town to hospital was late and I got lost so didn’t get there till just after 3pm. When I got in I talked to him as they said he would still be able to hear me and that’s when the doctor came in and told gave me the talk but I said there still hope and she said yes but it be a big miracle but it can happen but said they just wanted to make me aware that if things doesn’t improve then they would have to make the call. I cried sooo much and my daughter she was going to come but when I messaged her when I was out of the room as you not allowed to have phones in there she said she wasn’t coming as she seen him that morning, and I had to ask her bf to try a d get her to come as I didn’t want to tell her over message so he got her to come and just said they come pick me up. I was going to wait till after we got back that night to tell her the news but some other doctor needed to talk to us so I had to break it to her j the waiting room it was the most heart breaking thing j had to tell her, she said she was glad I was the one to tell her before the doctor said anything, he wasn’t that nice like the lady doctor who told me, he had to ask me again if my hubby drank and I said no and then he ask my daughter about stuff like I didn’t know much and my daughter told him exactly what I said.
Anyways they said we could see him again and then we had to leave as they was going to be doing stuff and washing him. Daughter bf family came down and took us home that night. I didn’t sleep much and the next morning at 9.30am we got a call from the hospital saying to come in coz he was getting worst. We got an uber there and on the way 2 songs played and I knew that was from him and knew he was giving me a message. When we got there they took us to another room and said they was throwing everything at him and he was on max oxygen and they ask about a liver transplant but they said with him being so ill he won’t or might not make it through the op and said there is nothing else they could do. I was just numb and my daughter was in tears they said they will let us have our farewells and they will turn stuff off my daughter ask again if they was sure they couldn’t do any more and they said they was. We both was telling him to fight to stay and saying how much we love him and when they came in and turned off the machines and said they will come back in when he passed 5 minutes they came back in and nodded that he passed I couldn’t believe what was happening 12 something he passed. We stayed for abit and they ask us to leave so a doctor could do the final check and for then to take put the tubes and unplug the machines from him so we could see him with out them. I went into the waiting room and a lady ask if we wanted to wait in a room where there wasn’t other people. Then we was told we could go back in and daughter and bf stayed for abit and was telling him stuff and I turned around and said look he’s smiling, he looked so happy daughter bf said it be the drugs he was on as he was on the good stuff but he looked like he was just sleeping, got ask of we could leave again just so the doctor could go over him and do the paperwork. When we went back in his nose was bleeding so I tried to wipe it but it just kept coming, daughter and her bf stayed just for abit then left to make a phone call but I stayed and talked with him for a long time a nurse came in and said if I wanted her to clean him I said yes but thought she was going to just wash his face but she went and I told him that I would stay for aslong as I could that they would have to kick me out, as I had a feeling they would be. After abit another nurse came in and said they was getting worried about me and that I should go home and I said sorry for hiding them up she said no don’t worry it just they was getting worried about me seeing him in that state.
As I said earlier I still couldn’t leave when I went to the waiting room the nurse had to come out and talk to me and was really worried about me. Went home and went to bed as daughter had a friend who came over to the hospital to give her support and to me, and thought I just go to bed and give the time, has I wasn’t in much of state and didn’t want to be crying all the time.
I stopped eating and drinking coz every time I tried my body would just be sick.
Daughter was getting worried coz I was in bed for the week and abit and wasn’t eating and if I did I was sick.
But I can’t believe it Monday I took him in to only find out that he had liver damage it was the infection what tipped it over they said the damage was done over time and he was living with the liver damaging over and over and he only had a small amount working and that the infection was the last straw. They said he had it for years and some people don’t know about it as the symptoms doesn’t show. So it was a ticking time bomb.
They said that I did everything right and wasn’t to blame and that if I did call the ambulance the last week and he turned around and said no they would of listened to him and not bring him in and that if he did come in it would of ended up being the same situation.
I think if I did bring him in sooner j wouldn’t have had that one good Monday and that one hour for new year and a few odd moments here and there thatast week.
But I can not stop going over that last week and that last Monday in hospital thinking i shouldn’t of thought he was coming back home that I should of spoken more to him and tell him how much I loved him and how much I appreciated him and I shouldn’t have left him. If I knew that was my last time seeing him awake I wouldn’t have left him and even when they gave me the talk I still believed and hoped he would wake up and be coming home. I had hope right to the end.
I can’t forgive myself and feel what if he thought I didn’t care or loved him. I feel that he’s not around me, but daughter says there been alot of signs and he is but I just can’t feel it and worried that he hates me coz of how frustrated I was with him that last week, how i didn’t sleep with him coz I was worried to come down with something like what I thought he had when in reality it wasn’t. I feel like i didn’t get to say everything to him even through the doctors told me I can still tell him as he can hear me still but felt that not the same he couldn’t tell me stuff.
I so wish I could go back to any day and tell him how much he means to me. I also wished it was me and not him.
But those 3 days and that last week goes around my head all the time.
I know my daughter and the nurses told me I have nothing to blame myself for but all I can see in my head is me walking out of that hospital room when he told me to go home and not thinking that was going to be my last time seeing him awake. And I even question it like what if he wasn’t telling me to go.
I also think what if he was scared when they said they was going to put him to sleep so they can take over his breathing and give him a rest. Did they tell him what was wrong with him. Did he think that was it or did he think he was going to sleep and then wake up and see me and daughter by his side.
I also feel bad that i wanted him to wake up to tell me he loves me and to say our goodbyes. Coz I feel like if he did wake up would he wanted to know how ill he was and think it probably was the best he didn’t know that the last thought was probably he was going to wake up and see us.
We never knew he was ill, daughter said she sort of had the feeling something was wrong but each time she ask him to go get check out he just brushed it off.
He just thought he would be getting better and i don’t think it ever crossed his mind that day that was his last as it never even crossed my mind. Even through I was worried I was trying my best to act strong.
I don’t want to be down here no more and want to end it. The pain is just to much but as i said if it wasn’t for my daughter staying with me I don’t think I could carry on.
Sleeping in our bed is hard and waking up to another day with out him is hard.
I hate the 3 days now but daughter and her bf says I should not think those days has bad coz there be good those days and bad those days.
I try to go out as much as I can and I hate coming back home.
I think it coz we was planning on moving house we moved to this house 2 years ago but it wasn’t our forever home and was planning on putting our names down to move this year and now that not going to happen.
Sorry for the long post
