Nigel and KtG I will get back to you tomorrow.
Im going to try get some sleep it’s coming up to 1am here and I seem to get little sleep as it takes me ages to fall asleep and then I wake up at 5 and can’t get back to sleep
Night all
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Your not saying anything wrong, your speaking from the heart and saying how you feel, you have nothing to say sorry for xx
You can speak about anything on here as much as you like, thats not a problem for any of us, we have been there we know how it feels, just keep posting your feelings it helps to get it out xx
No more apologising just you say whatever you need to, it will help you I’m sure, remember we have been where you are and felt the same things including the guilt for things we could’ve said or could’ve done, I know I have but you have to push that to the side for your own sanity, nothing would’ve changed the outcome for any of us, except maybe if they had spoken out sooner or gone to the doctor/ hospital sooner but that was their call not ours, we did everything we could and we could do no more, please remember that going forward xxx
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Good night Angel7 xx
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Nothing is wrong, Angel . Nothing at all. You can repeat over and over and over as much as you wish. We all do it.
This is your post-traumatic stress response. You will live that day again and again and again. I am 44 weeks on and I am still reliving that morning.
Sometimes I will be driving and I will realise that I’m having a conversation with the doctors again. I’m trying to get them to do something or I will out loud to myself reimagined some of the things that happened and what I would do if I could make it happen again but change the outcome
Struggling to sleep and waking up early normal!
Peaches, how big are these holes that the beast has dug?
Generally, I just keep my mouth shut when I ring ring a number and wait until a real human answers. I’ve had to do that a lot over the past week because I have no Internet in this house yet and the phone coverage is diabolical. The best coverage requires a pirouette on the bed, standing on 1 foot with the arm in the air… 
I wish you all better sleep then I’m getting tonight xxx
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Peaches - I hate all the numbers and robots we have to use, but yesterday I had really good service from one of Mary’s banks. They were initially going to set off her credit balance against her car loan. I explained there was a priority debt from her estate in the form of the funeral bill. No problem she said, just send proof of the payment and we’ll send the credit to you within 48 hours. I also asked for statements of each account and despite that being 12 accounts, she arranged that with pleasure. So nice to get courteous service!
Sorry to hear about your plants and the ongoing antics of the beast! That sounds like a great film title!
Much love. Nigel xxx
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KtG, thank you, I just feel bad as I keep going round and round what happened, my daughter and her bf probably sick of me going on about it, a d 8 know my daughter hates it when I’m hard on myself coz she says I have done nothing wrong and did everything right and I only did what anyone else would do when they loved someone people get frustrated with the people they love especially if they suffering. I know she’s right and her bf and the nurses and all you here, but I so wish it crossed my mind that maybe something else was wrong and he didn’t catch a bug (well he did as that how the infection came about and that just tipped his liver to fail as the nurses was saying people can live with a damage liver and he was living off just a slim line as it was damaging and then scarring each time.) I think it’s even more hard coz we will never know why it was doing that he never drank apart from when he was at uni but isn’t that every student but he wasn’t a big drinker and after a few years he stopped drinking any sort of alcohol that’s why it’s so puzzling in why. I feel like i got all these questions and whys and I know I will never get the answer coz even the doctors was puzzled that’s why they kept on asking about if he drank even when he was awake they ask him and he just shook his head as he couldn’t get his words out good so I had to do the speaking if he couldn’t and they just thought I didn’t know what I was on about like how many times do I have to say no and he even shook his head no. They even thought he could be drinking behind my back and I said that he would not do that plus I would know coz you can easily smell if someone has and he would never do that anyways we always was truthful with each other coz we knew what it’s like with people who was in our life’s being dishonest with us.
Yeah I just see people our age and older and think how lucky they are to have someone still and holding hands and think that would be my hubby and I and I hate thinking it coz I’m happy they not going through this pain but at the same time I reminds me I haven’t got that anymore and never will and it hurts so bad knowing that. I lost my rock my everything, we was always there for each other. We didn’t need to say much we would just know, or we would talk alot or just enjoy being in each other’s company and it hurts that I will never see him walk into the sitting room and looking at me and blowing me a kiss or saying good morning babe and our love yous. I feel like i been rubbed of it all. I believe in the afterlife before and use to ask the angels or God please take me first coz I can not bear to lose either my husband or daughter wouldn’t be able to cope with the pain and now that it my husband who gone first I feel like they didn’t listen and what if i am wrong about it all that there is nothing. Probably was selfish of me wanting to go first but I’m no good at dealing with pain and I know he would be in pain to if it was me but i think he’s stronger than me but then I know he probably say the same about me.
My daughter says he’s always with us and she been seeing signs and so has her bf. They say I’m just missing them or I notice something and then I just question it. It’s just coz I can not feel him around, when it happened and the first week I did see lights at the corner of my eye or a figure but that’s all stopped now and I’m like why, but the 1st week and a bit I was in bed all the time and wasn’t eating coz I kept being sick, daughter was getting really worried and beg me to eat so I tried and slowly got to eating without being sick, I started getting out of bed but felt so bad has I felt like I was moving on, but stuff needed doing and sorting.
We had so many plans.
We kept meaning to go to hobby craft but some thing always kept popping up and we always thought we had tomorrow or the next week or month. We just had so many plans and now that’s all gone.
I don’t want to do anything now not with out him. My daughter and her bf says they will take me To hobby craft because maybe I can find something to get into but I know it’s not going to be the same plus I don’t want to do anything I haven’t got my hubby everything just feels pointless. But I will go if and when they take me because it’s very nice of them to even think about doing that for me and they know that would be what husband would wanted.
Sooo sorry for your loss it’s soo hard when they wouldn’t go to the doctors or hospital sooner but I do think if my husband did go to the hospital sooner I would never had that one good Monday or the one hour ringing in new year with him and feel he stayed just for that maybe I liked to think or it could be wishful thinking on my part and I be ever so grateful for those little moments has I know if he was in hospital he would of hated it.
I feel the same that I probably never will make sense of it and that my brain no matter what the nurses doctors or my daughter and her bf tells me, that it wasn’t my fault and I did everything right and he knew I loved him my brain will never let go of the fact that he’s gone and what happened and thinking did I do everything right how did I miss it why didn’t I have a feeling something wasn’t right, I should never have left him even through he told me go but my mind even trying to tell me what if he didn’t mean that and I was wrong.
I feel like i didn’t say it coz I really thought he was just going in.tonget better medicine and rest a d that they would let him out after a day or 2 and be back home with me. He knew I was Iver thinking and was overwhelmed and was trying to stay strong for him, I feel I should of said everything told him I loved him just incase but I know even that I probably would think it wasn’t enough.
I don’t even know if I said I love you when I left all what I can see in my mind is me telling him I will see you tomorrow and walking out of that room but my daughter said that I would have said it it’s just my mind playing ticks. So know what you mean about agonising about everything
Nigel, no sweetheart is fine.
That the thing we always keep to our promises so I totally understand I would done the same and i know my hubby would of done the same if it was me and I told him to do something he would of done it.
Thank you for being understanding about my dyslexia not everyone in my life when I was growing up was understanding about it. My husband was the only person who understood me and he always made sure I understood stuff and was understanding when I didn’t get it straight away or did mistakes he knew what I ment by it my daughter is the same she understands me. But some people tend to miss judge me or think badly of me for not knowing no matter if u explain the reason why but not everybody some do understand but coz I have had run in with people who was mean it always scares and worry me that everyone would be mean or won’t understand me even when I try my best some people like making it harder and say I don’t get what you trying to say.
So hints my husband use to take care of stuff when it came to explaining or getting stuff done has he knew how much anxiety and stressful it was on me when some people was like that with me that I would get more frustrated and get my words all wrong. I know my daughter will help me with some stuff as she knows what I be trying to say but she’s not going to be around all the time and I never when hubby was around bothered her with stuff and I don’t want to bother her with stuff now. So far I been lucky with people with understanding me. But I know there’s going to be that one person who will say I don’t understand you or what do you mean when they read.
He always was worried about me, and I feel that day I wasn’t worried enough for him coz I really thought he was just going in to get help and get better medicine an1}
Angel, your writing is fine. Better than some of many I know who don’t have dyslexia!
Mary had told me to go home to rest after an exhausting week and I did that too - only to get a call at 3:15 am on the Sunday which turned out to be her last day. She could quite easily have gone before i and our children got to the hospital. I think you did what he asked of you, as I did with Mary. But whatever I say I know I sometimes still feel guilty for not being there. I shouldn’t feel guilty and neither should you. You worried enough about him to do what he asked you to do. That’s what matters!
Much love. Nigel xxx
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Nigel(sorry I posted it by mistake and did not finish it and then the time out so could not add this on.)
and I feel that day I wasn’t worried enough for him coz I really thought he was just going in to get help and get better medicine and some rest never dis it cross my mind there was something else wrong with him and he would die. I should of been worried more. I know I was overwhelmed and overthinking stuff but at the time you think you just being silly and when I told him I was worried I could tell he wanted to tell me he be fine and there’s nothing to be worried about, that’s if he could of got his words out. I just feel like i didn’t speak much to him that day, as I said to my daughter I was overwhelmed and was trying to take everything in and when the doctors was in and telling me stuff or saying they doing this I was really trying to understand but felt overwhelmed that everything they was saying I was missing parts like it wouldn’t sink in. My daughter says it’s understandable it was alot to take in and she understands it would of been alot and be overwhelming and that my husband would of known it was alot for me to take everything in and understand what was being said coz they just talked so fast and that day even through we was in hospital a d you think it would of moved slow the hours, the hours and that day seemed to went so fast.
I think same with my husband I think he just thought he was going in to get help he even ask me to get credit the following day what would of been Tuesday for his phone so he could message me as I brought his phone and some extra clothes to come home in has he was in his bed clothes when he was taken in. My daughter kept him up to date and messaged him that I got home safe but he never got that message has he wasn’t on his phone and never got the chance to read it. I sometimes wonder what time they decided to put him to sleep and if it was soon after I left did he go out of his body soon after and was watching over me and making sure I got home safe even through he passed on the Wednesday it oy took him 5 minutes. I wonder when he left his body. I would like to think he would of fight to stay but then I think what if he thought I didn’t care or loved him and just gave up coz all he saw Was me walking out of that room as that’s all I can see myself doing.
I think your wife and my husband never thought that be the last time either I mean they was just going in to get better.
I think it’s just hard knowing what we know now that wasn’t the case.
I glad he’s not suffering or in pain more but we are left with the suffering and pain of the losing them.
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Thank you it’s nice to know that my writing is fine, I’m on my so it’s got auto correct on, I tried on my laptop but no auto correct on there and it does that awful line if spelled a word wrong so came back to writing on the phone but it’s harder has I know I am missing stuff what was said and I don’t want to be like I’m being rude for missing it coz I have read it all but I like to feel like i answered and heard what you all said about your losses too.
Yeah it’s hard coz you respecting their wishes and only doing what they ask but at the same time feel guilty for doing so and not being their in the hour of need. It worries me that what if he was scared, what was his last thought was, or did he just think he was going to get some rest and wake up with me and daughter being there.
I wish I was there to hold his hand and tell him everything going to be fine even through it wasn’t.
I know he probably was thinking after the week I had and not getting much sleep and that morning and day he probably thought I should go home and get some rest but also wa worried about me getting home in the dark at 6pm he knew the buses would turn into the night times shift so be less buses on and he would not wanted me standing around waiting for the buses for too long.
And your wife knew you needed the rest and I think she knew you would of been there so you should not feel guilty plus you was keeping your promise.
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Angel I may have said before, but the greater the love the greater the grief. I’ve now come to accept that I did what I did and nothing can change that. Not one person including Mary expected the outcome we got. It sounds the same with your husband. We had 5 people listening to the doctors and still didn’t initially pick up one of the very first comments - “If she gets through this ……” IF not WHEN!
Your daughter is right here. You have done things right. It’s easy for me to say you shouldn’t worry but that’s hard to do. I know that from my own experience.
Try to have a good day Angel.
Much love. Nigel xxx
Yeah my daughter bf parents dad lost his dad and said that he can’t image how hard it must be losing him has losing a parent is a different kind of grief as losing your partner has that’s your love of your life and ment to be together to the end, has he said if he lost his wife he would not know what to do he says it’s hard anyways but it hits differently and more harder when it.tour live of your life.
I’m not close to my parents or talk to them anymore coz my mom never wanted me she told me that was I was little and I always remembered it. I remember losing my gran who I was close to but even through I cried for her the grief what I feel now is so different than what I had with her it’s even more painful and harder.
Yeah it was only me at the time as daughter had to travel back from her bf place so it took her abit as I ask her to check on the house as I was in a rush to be with hubby and was worried I forgot to lock and turn stuff off so she did that and brought some extra stuff for us. But the doctor never hinted at there was something serious wrong he said the something about the liver but didn’t say it was damage coz hubby was yellow he just said his body wasn’t flushing the fluid away and daughter bf said he be fine coz the liver can heal it self when I did go back as he was only going on what we was told. We only found out how serious it was when they called and said they put him to sleep so he can rest and they could take over his breathing but we need to come in but even then daughter bf said he be fine as he was listening in on the phone call and knew what was said said it’s serious but he in good hands and that he be getting the treatment now. It was oy the next day we was actually told how much more serious it was but still had the hope but they said it would take a big miracle.
I’m happy you accept that you did everything you could and you did. I think we can be very hard on ourselfs when it comes to our loved ones we just want to protect them and be there.
Thank you again and so sorry for your loss.
You to try to have a nice day and thanks I try.
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Yes Nigel - I can’t believe I didn’t pick up how ill my husband was. However my son was there too and he didn’t either so whose fault is that? Ours for not even wanting to think of the possibility of losing them or the doctors for not making it clear. All they had to say to me was ‘you know he is very poorly’. My son was buying a birthday present on his phone, keeping out the way of the nurses and regrets not spending the time talking to him. My other son could have come up and seen him. When they decided to put him on the ventilator they told my son and said ‘you understand what we are saying’. He said yes - they were putting him on a ventilator. I think they were saying he might not wake up. When they took him to critical care my son followed and then suddenly they took him one way and my son the other. He never said goodbye. But my husband had 3 consultants overseeing his care several nurses how dumb was I. Would I have understood the gravity if there was room in critical care?
Angel you may never know what happened to his liver. I know how it can bug you. I don’t understand how someone can go from feeling well to having pneumonia and sepsis in 8 hours. The doctors say that can happen but it makes no sense to me. I have googled everything, still don’t understand, probably never will. It won’t change what happened but it would be nice to understand it.
Well I have had another poor night sleep. Have had a bad stomach and backache for the last 3 days. Good news is I have not had a migraine all week. Because of that I am finally allowing myself to take the painkillers for the tummy. It always seems to be one or the other.
Lovely sunny day - I really should do something but don’t know what. Hard to get motivated.
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Lizzy, oh that’s awful I can’t image how that must of felt trying to do cpr while waiting for the ambulance I bet that felt. Like ages. You did do everything you could and that what matters. Yeah the what ifs are awful, my daughter and her bf says we don’t do what ifs coz even if you did then there be more what ifs even if you did do everything and anything our brains trys to find the what ifs.
I know I did my everything but I still think about the what ifs and all.
Like what if I stayed and didn’t go back home like he told me to what if I said don’t put him to sleep would he fight more to stay around would he still be here. But I know that he had to be put to sleep they would not have done it if he didn’t need to be, he was coughing alot and didn’t have must rest that last week or that day for that matter so he probably was glad to get some rest from coughing and get some sort of rest.
Yeah this house is a council house but we was planing on moving to another one but one what we was happy with this house was more like a stepping stone and we learnt what we like and don’t like, and what to check for next time when we looking at places. This house looked all good but then when we moved in problems came up and we noticed we didn’t want to be in this area so we just classed it that now we know what we looking for in a house to make it feel like home. We was in private housing but it was costing us alot in rent but that house was like home but we couldn’t afford it once the rents was going up plus we wanted a council house anyways as it be cheaper and more stable but we wasn’t sure in the area. Like we in the right area but not in street wise if that makes sense. It’s nice don’t get me wrong just not where I wanted he was fine with it but he wanted me to be happy too, so we had the list of things the house needed and where it should it might of taken a year or some years but we was willing to wait and look till a place felt right with us as we didn’t really think with this one we was looking for 3 years with this one and we took it coz we knew our rent was going to go up and it was one of the nicer ones we seen so far and put our names down didn’t think we get it as there was other people but we got it.
But now I can’t moved coz it was where he last was and daughter doesn’t want me mive either now as its the last place she saw her dad in so it’s understandable. I think it’s just hard for me to be in this house as I remember how he was that last week and it doesn’t feel the same with him not being here and the fact that we was going to look for our forever home is even harder knowing this house wasn’t. But I have to find comfort that this was his last place he was in. Daughter thinks I would regret making any hush decisions this year on moving and think I should think about it next year. But I know she’s right this was the last place he was in no matter how hard that is. We needed a new mattresses and was going to wait till we move and now I can’t get a new one coz this mattress was the last bed he slept in I know it sounds silly and I can hear him say it’s just a mattress get a new one. But I can’t.
This house will never feel like a home as he not here no more so I know how you feeling
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Debsie, do you know what’s caused the backache? Doing too much? Lifting in wrong way? If there’s no obvious cause you should get checked by your GP. There can be more serious reasons for back pain.
We knew Mary wasn’t a well lady as my son put it, and the doctors were obviously really concerned - so I think for us putting 2 & 2 together didn’t make 4! I’m trying to forget all that part as nothing can bring her back.
I was awake from 3:15 to 5:00 when I did fall asleep again, but in that time I learnt of the death of my nephew’s mother in law. They’ve now lost three family members since November. Two more widowers in our family now. I guess my brother will go to the funeral but I’ll probably be in France.
I’m a bit lethargic today too - but MUST finish the wretched tax return!!!
Take car, much love. Nigel xxx
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Debsie, I think what made it so hard for me to accept what happened that morning was that he looked so well, he was glowing from our holiday. Apart from waiting to have his stoma in his throat stretched a little bit because the speech therapists were scared to changed his voice valve. He wouldn’t let me go down his stoma to help clean it, he was so stubborn and independent, he had been dealing with everything on his own but was doing really well. It was the first time I would say he was so healthy, lost a lot of weight but looked great on it. I still can’t believe he died within a few minutes of cleaning his stoma. Something happened and I don’t know what it was.
I’ve kinda lost my mojo today, I thought I had ordered plaster filler but on checking I don’t think I have. I could go and get it, but there are so many road works, it would take me about 45mins to get there, maybe I will go and do some clearing in the man cave but there is a heavy frost outside it will be freezing. I wonder if he has any in the man cave mmm? Maybe time to go hunting.
Hope you find something to do, or just have a nice day doing nothing, that’s my dream, being settled and just doing nothing. Take care xxx
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Angel, I couldn’t sleep in my bed for a month, the paramedics lifted him from bathroom floor and put him in the bed and covered him with a cosy cover. He looked as if he was just sleeping. He was there for hours as we had to wait for police because it was a sudden death then the undertakers. The imprints were still on the bed and I didn’t like to take it away. The funeral was a month later and it was only then I went into the bed again and I took comfort in sleeping in it again. You will change the mattress eventually, it does get easier. You will cope, it just takes time. Xxxx
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Morning Nigel, I’ve been up since 5am didn’t go back to sleep, I guess 4 hours sleep better than none. Oh I don’t envy you doing a tax return, I think I’d rather scrape another room so that’s saying something as I hated doing that yesterday. I’ve just paid off a tax bill, it had to be paid before end of January.
I can’t believe it but the sun is trying to come out, maybe I will go into the man cave and hunt for any fillers for my wall.
Have a nice day xxx
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Debsie, that want he infection what my hubby had in his lung pneumonia but the worst one and that what tipped his liver to fail, I wonder if he never got ill and got that infection how long would we would had together coz obviously he had liver damage and never knew he had it and they said if it wasn’t the infection and this time it would of happened at some time down the road but he could of lived with it longer if he didn’t get ill.
Wow it sounds so like what happened with my hubby. But I wasn’t there when they put him on the ventilator and when they called to say they him to sleep my daughter was taking the call but it was on load speaker and we took in well me and her was that he was put to sleep and that we need to come in everything else what was said on that phone call just went over our heads, he bf was listening and said he be fine they just took over his breathing and he on meds what will help and his liver can heal itself so I don’t think they said anything or else daughter bf would of picked up on it. They just thought we should come down and see him coz he wasn’t doing well but was stable, when we went in they said he was fine but said what was wrong but nothing what would make us thought that was it not till they gave me the talk before the talk the next day Tuesday. It was like how what, he was only coming in to get help and get better how can yesterday turn into this day of him and I just thinking he’s got a bug to now his got liver damage and yeah if things don’t improve we might have to call it. I beg could he get better if they just kept him on and they said they couldn’t do that and plus it wouldn’t be fair on him and wouldn’t be fair on me and I said I know that and I know that would not be what he would of wanted. But they said there was still hope but we needed a big miracle so I took that. And even the next day when we did get that call I still had hope till they turned it off.
I can so understand how you and your sons feels especially not saying the goodbye and not speaking enough to him. I feel the same I just thought I would see hin again Tuesday and he be home some time that week, and as I was soo overwhelmed and worried I didn’t speak much plus it’s not like he could of spoken much back to me either has he was finding it hard to get his words out anyways but I feel like i should of spoken to him more told him how much I loved him and appreciated him and so on. I know he probably knew or knows but it’s hard coz it never crossed my mind that was the last day I would see him awake.
It’s not your fault you did everything you could and you both didn’t know how it would of ended and I think the problem with doctors they think we should know what they are on about but we are not doctors.
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Lizzy oh that’s awful I bet it was hard to even go into the bathroom after it all happened.
So sorry.
I think if my daughter wasn’t staying with me and her bf stayed for a week or 2 I wouldnt of slept in this bedroom or bed for aslong as I could till she came back but they wanted to stay with and mark sure I was fine
I’m finding it hard to Sleep and if I do it’s only a few hours. It’s sleeping and then waking up again it hits you that he is not here
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