Your feelings of anger and being hard on yourself are natural but not going to help you move forward!
I too have regrets and would have done some things differently had I known what was happening and when ! We both thought she had a couple more years left and the palliative care consultant didn’t see anything imminent …… I try not to beat myself up. Our Ue Ryder nurse was fantastic and helped us through so much both the medical side but also the bereavement / grief aspect……
Ooh easier said than done @Cat_fan im 14 months into this and still have those feelings. Not everyday but theyre still there … @Plantman is only in very early days x
Oh for sure …. I have regrets and wish I had known what was coming and when, I would have retired sooner but I kept working because we needed the income!
Sadly her condition was palliative from the moment of diagnosis, I was upset and confused as was she - where do I direct my feelings? Not at her, not at the medical profession…. At god perhaps (I’m an infidel/ atheist) …… hate is such a negative and destructive emotion whether directed at someone else or inward!
Sometimes it’s a roll of the dice - I’m now dealing with skin cancer FFS …… it never ends does it
Im really sorry about that ? I hope.youre ok . No i.just thought when you said feelings or anger or being hard on yourself not gonna help - but its a natural respinse esoecially at beginning xx
@Cat_fan , oh my ! I’m so sorry to hear that , as if you haven’t got enough to deal with , please take good care of yourself, we are all here to help support you , sending hugs X
I have also felt the same as you negative anger with nasty people in the world still on earth, people moaning about their lives when I’ve lost my husband even being jealous when I see couples together why did my husband after go but then I sit and think he was very poorly and would I have wanted him to suffer as he was, I had an extra 23 years that I shouldn’t have had with him so no I wouldn’t have wanted him to suffer anymore but being selfish it really hurts even admitting that
No - I don’t have any hate towards anyone or anything, with the benefit of hindsight I would have done things differently but we made decisions based on what we knew at that time!
My lesson learned is not to save your bucket list until you retire but to do more as you go because tomorrow isn’t promised!
My aunt died 10 years ago from cancer and the anger / hatred that consumes him to this very day are like a cancer- he’s so bitter and angry. At Elissa’s funeral he looked me in the eyes and said “Now you’re gonna find out what it’s really like to be lonely “ ! I just don’t need people like that around me
Hi Cat_fan it was early after his passing that I felt like that he’s been gone nearly 10 months now and I can actually feel a change in myself since I came onto this site and reading people’s stories I don’t have any anger now I’m lonely but have started planning each day what to do just to keep my mind busy I cry everyday this site just keeps me going
Inhsve found the whole business of not having him here and the security he gave me really challenging and so hard to deal with. And feelings of real anger and how unfair it all is … i think i probably taken it out on those closest to me but then again they have hardly been very sympathetic or supportive either. My 83 tear old mum has been the best one and my lovely friends near me xx
When my husband found out he had cancer , and I was saying how unfair it was ,he just said " it is what it is " I really hated that saying after he died, now I find myself saying it . The only person I hate is myself , for the way I have been since my husband died , I really try to find positives , but fail all the time , I think my husband would be so disappointed in me .X
Don’t be so hard on yourself! You have enough to cope with bereavement/grieving !
@Broken2222 Self loathing doesn’t lead anywhere good
It’s difficult not to be pessimistic - in fact impossible. Whole world doesn’t make sense anymore and can’t seem to relate to anyone anymore.
Have to try accept it and try live around it best you can - you can’t compare life before and how you were before - it’s a lost cause and will always end in anger, depression and self hatred
He wouldn’t be disappointed - road we have to walk isn’t easy and you’ve made it this far
@Cat_fan @MemoriesOfUs thank you both for your positive words , they mean a lot . I remember a few months after my husband died , I had posted on this site saying I know my husband would be proud of me , I get up each day , and go to work , Now after more than two years , I’m still just getting up and going to work , nothing else , nothing has improved . I just feel like a black cloud follows me about .always there just above my head . When I joined this site , I thought maybe a few months and I wouldn’t need it , how wrong was I , I’m still moaning on after all this time , it’s my lifeline , has kept me going . I think maybe I’m just having a bad day , thank you both once again X
It isn’t easy so I avoid people and places that I find difficult or challenging!
try not to put myself under pressure or in stressful situations - i retired 31/12 last year so just decorating at home, doing some private consulting and taking one day at a time !
The little things are important like picking my grandson (7) up from school and taking him for a pizza or playing with his little sister.
My wife was initially diagnosed with Parkinson’s but her neurologist changed it to MSA ( Multiple System Atrophy) which is very rare (1/35,000 people get it). It’s similar to Motor Neurone disease in many ways
She never got hateful bitter or resentful but it did get her down and she would ask “Why me god, what did I do so wrong “ and it shook her Christian faith for a while.
@Cat_fan my partner never complained and was very stoic to a fault - I know she kept everything internalised. She kept fighting every step of the way and refused to feel sorry for herself
After she died, I was going through her phone and came across a note she had started writing to herself, must have been two weeks before she died from events she described
She wrote how much pain she was in, how she had deteriorated into an unrecognisable shadow of herself and what had she done to deserve this fate
Just broke me
Aw … bless 
my husband was same … so brave and never complained. He clung to life for as long as he could … i loved him so much… its so painful to think about it isnt it what they went through … breaks my heart xx
Soul destroying 
I knew she was refusing to show any weakness and was in pain, and you can’t imagine what it’s like if you’re facing your own mortality and know the sand is running out in your hourglass
But to see it written by her own hand - just no words
I can’t imagine how hard it was to read that - I used to look into my wife’s beautiful blue eyes and see just how poorly she was !
They say the eyes are a window of the soul !
It also struck me when I look at photos - she’s smiling but there’s just a sadness in her eyes that just never used to be there