I am so sorry that it was such a traumatic experience for you. As I said in my previous message, it may not be for everyone but if you do not do it there is a lot of time to regret it. My wife had gone through 10 weeks of hospital treatment, chemotherapy and the last 18 days in a palliative care unit unable to eat so we had almost got used to her “ new look” as she called it. It’s still a shock but I am glad that I had my last goodbye in private with her dressed in the most expensive dress she had ever bought. ( for my son’s wedding in 2013). She planned her own funeral from her bed and said “ I want to go in style” and we carried out her wishes to the letter.
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@Sarlyn,
I can feel the toture you are under here. It is a really difficult decision and there are so many different opinions. To be honest it’s not a ‘nice’ experience. It’s not like the movies - even the best actor can’t empty himself of all animation. So when you visit, to me honest beccause the ‘him’ you loved, the energy won’t be there, it might not feel or look like him. For me that was the case and it was a shock even though I knew it would be. And while I wish I didn’t have that image in my memory, at the same time, it reassured me that wherever he is, it wasn’t there. I hadn’t abandoned him.
So what am I trying to say? I think all of this process is so full of regrets and what ifs that it’s just another one to add to the pile. Whatever you do, you’ll probably have regrets and please don’t beat yourself up about this. It is completely impossible to know what is going to be right for you. It’s all a guess.
My husband often said regret is a wasted emotion, and even if I can’t let go of all of mine I know he"s right.
Be easy on yourself xxx
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My husband died at home and it wasn’t pleasant but I decided after a lot of thought too visit chapel of rest for a last goodbye not nice but I kissed him on the lips and said goodbye don’t leave it too long if you’re going too visit 
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@Sarlyn
Maybe weigh up what would hurt more, seeing him and him not looking the way you want, because he won’t or not going at all or seeing him in a closed coffin.
We can all share our experiences but that won’t be yours. Whenever I’m not sure, I always say ‘what would Rich say about all this’
Sometimes, you just have to go with your gut! You do you, for you x
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Same here …i just stroked his hair … and spoke to him and said thank you for him being there for me for 37 years … bless him x
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It has been eating away at me since he passed, if I had got to say goodbye to him while he was on life support, I wouldn’t even be contemplating this as I know I wouldn’t go. The dilemma is, hearing is the last sense to go and knowing he couldn’t hear my voice when he was on life support, he would have known that I wasn’t there when he needed me (thanks to his son’s) and that breaks my heart and I will never forgive them for that. I am thinking I may ask a friend to come with me to put a single red rose with him for me and for her to say my goodbye. I do know in my heart that Jim would not want me seeing him dead but then both of us had been denied the right to say goodbye when we should have. This will torment forever
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thank you so much x
@Sarlyn you have a plan, that’s always a good start. Go and when you get there, just go with how you feel.
I did get to see my partner 2 days after he died. I didn’t get the option after his autopsy because I was strongly advised not to due to his deterioration. I was gutted. I sat with him in a closed coffin for a long time and it did help.
Hope all goes well, with whatever you decide to do x
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Yes do that! Take your friend and the rose ! That sounds beaitiful x
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@Sarlyn, i don’t know if this will help or not.
I was with my husband when he collapsed and I tried to resuscitate him until help and the ambulance came. I was with him again when he finally passed away in hospital a few hours later and sat with him for a long time afterwards.I saw him in the funeral home which was 2 weeks later.
I have flashbacks to all if those moments feeling it all over and over again. And I hate then. I wish I could wipe out all those images, but at the same time I wouldn’t change it for all the world. They torment me for now but something tells me they will at some point bring me some sort of peace which sounds weird and I can’t explain why I think this.
Acceptance is such a ridiculous notion. But there must be some point where we find some peace, when ( to quote some one much wiser than me) we manage to ‘weave’ our grief into our life rather than it crushing us.
If you think going will offer some peace even if it’s not immediate then trust yourself. You’re more intuitive than you know and whatever you do won’t be wrong just a different difficult path.
Xx
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I went to see Lee a couple of times at the mortuary, then daily once he was at the funeral parlour. I don’t think I would have done if I hadn’t had to identify him, as he collapsed while out on a run. Every day he looked a little less him. But it brought me comfort to pop and see him every day. I also went on the morning of the funeral. That was the hardest, knowing that it was the last time I would lay my eyes on him. I thought they might have to drag me out.
Whatever you decide, it will be right for you x
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My husband donated his organs just last Saturday . We did stay with him until the last moment. At first i felt such comfort from the organ donation but now i cant seem to find that feeling again. Did it bring you any solace? I am waiting for the funeral parlour to collect him for the hospital because of the bank holidays and then i will go to see him again. Take care
Unfortunately because he passed so suddenly and had to wait over two weeks for a post mortem none of his organs could be used. To be honest even if they were used I don’t think it would have brought me any solace straight away. I do totally agree with organ donation but I don’t think it would have immediately been any comfort to me. I think that’s something that can only bring you comfort further down the line maybe. Hopefully when you’re in a better place you’ll find that feeling again x
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I did agree with your view about acceptance until a few days ago but my mind was changed by something that just came into my mind. This is from my diary.
Standing at the sink, washing up and looking at Bevs photo I said, “It wasn’t supposed to end this way”. I then realised how silly that sounded. There is no plan, we don’t choose when we die. We were not going to pass away in our marital bed holding hands. It just so happened that Bev was the first to succumb to a terminal illness. It was always going to be one of us left in this life on our own so I have to make the best of the days I have left. Bev was my life for 50 years and I feel blessed to have shared my time with her but over a year has gone by and life goes on. Everything I do is in her memory, I talk to her all the time and I feel she is beside me, nudging me in the right direction. Is this acceptance? I do not know.
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Yeh i said at beginning i wish id gone with him in an accident or something because the pain felt was so bad 
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@Jeff.1
What a thoughtful post and makes so much sense.
I was going to reply to @Sarlyn that there is no right and wrong in this and I suspect that whatever you do you’ll find a way to, firstly beat yourself up about it but hopefully in the long run come to feel at peace with the decision.
My daughters didn’t want to go and see their Dad but I went. He looked like him apart from his mouth, despite having had a post mortem. I had been advised that I may see some incisions but the funeral directors had done a great job and I couldn’t see any with the way his clothes were arranged. It may sound gruesome but I took photos of him in case my daughters felt they wished they had been. I wonder whether that could be done for you by someone, then you visit his closed coffin after whatever you would like has been put in with him?
I hope you do find peace with whatever you do. Your love isn’t in that body any more and is with you wherever you are so you are certainly not letting him down.
Much love
Karen xxx
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Deb5
That’s exactly how I felt when I 1st lost my husband,
It’s nearly 6 months ago since he passed
Some days are a real struggle
Take care
Suex
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I phoned the funeral directors this morning and Jim only arrived there on Saturday so has been in the hospital mortuary since he passed on the 2nd March they said there have been changed to his appearance due to the length of time and that I may find it distressing, so I can’t cope with that so the next best thing I think is to just sit with him in a closed coffin. They said the sooner I come the better…this has really broke my heart
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Sarlyn this as broken my heart for you. It must have been so distressing to hear this. As you say you can sit at the side of him and talk to him. My heart goes out to you. I didnt have the option of seeing my husband as he died at beginning of lockdown the restrictions were too strict so I had the decision of wether to see him or not taken from me lots of love and hugs to you
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It’s a horrible decision for you to make. You don’t want to live with regrets either do you?
I didn’t know whether to visit my mum there so I just Googled it. It seemed to be the general consensus that it was people who hadn’t seen the deceased for a time or like you, to say ‘Goodbye’ (if wasn’t able to). But some people did regret seeing their loved one looking ‘different’ and were then living with an upsetting image.
I’d seen my mum have a heart attack, stroke and her passing so I already had enough of those. I decided against it and don’t regret it (yet?).
In your shoes I think I’d go and visit him with the lid closed and see how you feel, then. You can still talk to him and say what you feel you’d have wanted to. Just promise yourself that you’re not going to beat yourself up, whatever decision you make. To me, it really felt like my mum had ‘gone’ when she passed but I talk to her box of ashes, at home so…
Mazza x
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