Hi I belong to the Brighton group of Jolly Dollies and agree it’s a good support as we can relate to each other, have a laugh and organise nights out etc.
1 Like
No worries, I was persuaded to go to yoga,fell over twice!!
Whilst I understand what you’re saying, I don’t feel the same. I’m not angry nor resentful of my husband “having no right to leave me” he was taken from me he did not choose to go. I’m sad and I’m grieving so “making the most of my life” is not even on my radar. It might be at some time in the future but not right now. I’m just approaching 12 months without my husband so I will just keep on being sad and grieving his loss for now because I don’t know how to do anything else. 
1 Like
@Shaz10 i do understand, I felt the same when I lost my first husband young (he collapsed with a heart attack in front of me whilst playing village football), I will never come to terms with that - but he didn’t come back no matter how much my little boy and I grieved. Now I’ve suddenly lost my second husband (unexpected and rapid cancer complications) and I’ll never come to terms with that either - but I’m older and more bloody minded this time and I think it’s my life experiences that have given me this urge to keep pushing forward. I’m not ‘parking’ my grief, I’m just rolling my sleeves up and facing each day with my grief firmly attached but I’m getting stronger (mostly) and am learning how to negotiate each hour/day as this new ‘me-package’ - the grief is my ‘plus one’ but it has to take a back seat - and I can feel my husband’s total support whilst I’m typing this - ‘this is the person I married’ he’s saying.
The main thing is, we’re all different and there’s no right or wrong way of how we each deal with grief - but if someone is struggling and has reached rock bottom then hopefully a little positivity will help - and that’s why we’re here, to help each other.
Sending love and hugs to all those waking up to a potentially mournful Monday xxxx
4 Likes
Hi agree- you have to make the most of your life. Absolutely heartbreaking that I lost my wife to cancer at 57 years old. She would be absolutely furious with me if I did not take every opportunity to be happy and live my life, for both of us. Before she died she made it crystal clear for me not to sit alone in a darkened corner wishing the impossible- live life to the fullest and do everything to live a life without regret. In her memory I try and do exactly that…
4 Likes
Hurrah for positivity.
This is my second rodeo too.
We just have to get up, dust ourselves off, and start again.
Easier said than done, I know. But I did it 20 years ago, so I know I can do it again.
It isn’t like we can do anything else, only sink or swim.
And I am paddling like hell.
Xx
3 Likes
Keep paddling - your not alone:blush:
@Pearsons66 - its good to have another person who understands. It’s not easy I know but positivity is the only way forward. One question though, what kind of things do you do to help you stay positive and fill your time on a daily basis? I’m looking for inspiration other than binge on box sets! Any advice? 
hi
With me its the gym. Every day morning and evening Iam there. Tennis group sessions and gyw group classedd and yoga. Got to meet quite a few new people and most are very understanding- above all though I now say yes to everything if I am invited out (would have usually said no and find rxcuse not too) --now i try and say yes and do lots of walking as well — still have my moments though of the greiving process. Your not alone remember that,
2 Likes
@Pearsons66 thank you for replying - I’ve been intending to join a few things at our leisure centre so it sounds like I’m on the right track. I’ve also started saying yes to things even if I want to bottle out when the time comes - it usually works out fine if I just grit my teeth and get on with it. I hope others might feel inspired by you too! Best wishes x
Hi- you’re welcome- join the class and give it a go, I never regret doing a class- hard to get there but feel great when you’re done. Always have a shower and sit and have a coffee when I’ve done- feel relaxed and you never feel bad when you’ve done a bit of exercise….
1 Like
I joined a tai chi class and made lots of new friends. I also invite people round and go out for lunch with friends.
Unfortunately I fell and broke my hip 2 weeks ago, home from hospital now but 6 - 8 weeks recovery and no driving. That has set me back a bit, but I have had lots of visitors and offers of help.
Some people will call it distraction, but when sadness threatens, I make myself think of something else. I don’t hold with the theory of “leaning into grief and making it your companion”. I don’t even know what that means.
I say sod grief. It is no friend of mine.
We all know that life is too short. I intend to make the best of mine.
I didn’t choose this, I would give anything to have my husband back. But it isn’t going to happen. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I can learn to laugh again.
It might not be everyone’s way, that is okay. But it is my way.
Onwards and upwards.
Xx
2 Likes
You’ve had such a tough time @Willow112 but you always sound so positive. Like you I don’t allow myself to dwell on my grief (lean into it, sit with it or any other terms that I keep hearing but don’t really understand) as that’s when I hit rock bottom and don’t want to carry on. I actually feel so much closer to him when I’m functioning and calmer - that’s when I know he and I are working as a team still. Deep grief just pushes him further away, can’t be having that 
1 Like
I couldn’t agree more.
Nothing will heal if you keep picking the scab.
Xx
2 Likes
Well said @maggi7. Its true we are angry with ourselves and feel helpless some times when we are made to decide unilaterally without any support from our partner, but that’s not on our partner. But this is a slow process, and someday in the distant future, when our mind stops thinking that we are getting help from our partner and we are able to take decisions on our own, we would feel okay about it. The hole in our heart can never be filled up, the grief would never go away. There would be times when we would live life, be happy but during the times, when we are alone; the feelings of grief would seep in.
I guess we would take those feelings to our grave. There is no way out of it.
1 Like
@maggi7 I am so pleased to read your post. I don’t tend to read many posts these days, in fact I don’t very often come on to community mainly because I found that I was being made to feel guilty because I am moving on with my life. It’s over 15 months since I lost my soulmate, and I would much rather he was still here with me, but he isn’t. I’m now 78 and don’t know how many years I have left to live and I have two choices. Sit at home and wait to join him or get out and live without guilt for what time I have left. I have chosen the second option and I know that is what he would approve of.
It doesn’t mean I don’t miss him terribly, I talk to him all the time when I am at home but I have built a new life. I volunteer with our local AgeUK day care centre, I go to Aqua Fit and the Gym, I go to the theatre and cinema and at Christmas after spending Christmas Day with family I have booked to go on a T’wix Christmas and New Year coach holiday to Blackpool, something I never thought I would be able to do on my own.
We all grieve in different ways, I have wept buckets, the loss was so sudden and unexpected but I truly believe that I have to make the most of what time I have left. My daughters and family have been very supportive and in the early days I leant on them a lot, but they have their own lives and I think I should not be expecting them to be there for me anymore, though I know they are if I need them.
4 Likes
I don’t think this place is a forum for judgement about how people grieve. Anger is normal. I don’t feel sadder but hope that in time people find joy again. But we are forever changed by the loss of a loved one and there is no place for me to decide how others should feel. I think I would also feel angry if someone told me how to feel and that I needed to make the most of my life, especially in the early raw days. You can’t assume people are not aware of the shortness and validity of their own life but when grief is raw they don’t see that as a priority over the one they have lost, not in the early days.
1 Like
No judgement here, just offering an alternative more positive approach for those it would help. I’ve been grieving for 28 years for one husband and 4.5 months for second husband (still very very raw!) so I’m no stranger to grief - I know I wanted to find posts from people with a similar frame of mind and I did on here, so I think it’s ok to let people say what works for them whether you agree or not - but I know it’s not one size fits all.
2 Likes
@Viv5 I don’t judge anyone, I know we all handle our grief differently and move forward in our lives at different times and this is why i have moved away from posting. I know that for me the forums were fantastic in the early days, I guess up until I reached the 12 month mark. Somehow at that point I felt I had faced all the hurdles of all the first anniversary’s and had to start taking control over myself. That’s when I started to use the forums less and look to the future rather than dwelling on the past. That doesn’t mean I lack respect for those who carry their grief for longer periods, as in all aspects of life we are all different so please while not wanting to justify previous posts i applaud the OP and all those that are managing to get their lives together and hope that those who are still struggling with their grief will in time find the light at the end of the tunnel.
6 Likes
That sounds a bit harsh!