What do you do when it gets bad?

Oh I do hope so.
I know I’m lucky to have the support of good friends but as you say, they’ll only take so much. So mostly I try to pretend I’m ok when I’m not.
But maybe thats what we have to do. My daughter’s been good but I feel she too thinks I should be picking up now.
I think its because they don’t like seeing us hurt and in turmoil, so if we can prtend its better for them I suppose.
I do find being with people and getting out really helps. Are there any local groups you could try. I know its hard, I alqays said I didn’t want that. That I’m happy in my own company. But that was when I knew that Roger would be coming home…

I’m glad you’re having a reasonable day Rose

Big hugs
Love Liz x x

I have looked online for local groups and the U3a.

Sadly, the ones I found were not at all inspiring. Which is a shame.

Just like you, I was ok with my own company when my husband was around.
It’s so different now isn’t it?

Long may our better Sunday continue.

Love,

Rose x

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Like you I’ve looked at my U3A groups and nothing takes my fancy. On the off chance I’ll meet like minded people seems remote and perhaps I’m not that desperate at the moment to try an obscure subject just for the sake of being there.

When Bridget was alive and dementia free we would have tried together but we didn’t need that and it shows me that it was enough to be in each others company.

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That sounds like me and my husband.

As I saw elsewhere, these memories of time with our partners are bitter sweet.
We would like to back in those good times.

As I’m trying to be positive today ………
I think we were so lucky to have been with spouses who completed us, understood us.

Take care,
Rose x

I have tried to be more positive today.

I was tearful at 9 o’clock tonight when thoughts of not seeing him again
came into my head.

That is too much for me. I really cannot cope with that.

So I am sticking to my plan of dealing with things in small bits, could be hour by hour.

It will be dealing with what I can cope with.

Rose x

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What’s wrong with me! I can’t help it - I pick up the album where I’ve collected all the photos of Bridget when normal and with dementia and when she was content in the care home and it’s upsets me so much but I can’t help but look.

It’s like a drug that I know will upset me but I still do it. It’s like there a very thin veil that separates me from her. If only I could get behind it she’d be real again. This grief really messes with your mind.

I miss her then I’m fairly ok then I’m not and I’m a mess of tears again. It’s not fair is it.

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@Dutchman, having lived in the same house with and through my mother-in-laws dementia and finally her death about 10 years ago I have some understanding. Dementia puts you through the wringer repeatedly with hardly any respite and very little sleep. I can only imagine how much that is increased with it being your wife who suffered and you very much have my sympathy for your loss. It took my husband and myself a long while to get over her loss and release the years of stress held within us but we did get there in the end. I can only hope that all these new medicines get to work soon and save both the sufferers and carers from the trauma because that is what it is. I know you miss your wife terribly and I hope that as the days pass you find some way to let some of the badness go and go forward with memories you can treasure. You certainly have my best wishes :pray:

Grief is much worse than anyone can imagine.

I think before people experience it, then it’s very easy to imagine initial grief is a deep, dark depression that after a while gradually lessens and lessens until the person is back to being able to cope. How wrong is that!

It is a total rollercoaster and very little, if anything makes sense.

I think looking at photos is needing to see them, even when it really hurts.
That is because they are not physically with us, which is what we really want.

Take care,

Rose x

It was my husbands funeral today. It was so hard to do. His family basically blanked me and his son turned up in handcuffs from prison. Which i was so hoping he wouldnt be able to come. I did the best for my husband even though he didnt for me i loved him so much and now im left withthis empty hole. Not knowing who he really was !

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Big hugs xxx

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Wow!! You must be in turmoil over this experience that I can’t begin to imagine.

Please congratulate yourself that you did your best at the time and rise above the attitude of his family.

Best wishes

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I really understand how you feel.
No its not fair, not fair at all
The wanting to look, the wanting them to be back. I’ve got a thing about wanting to hear his voice. I’ve trawled through videos but only found a very short clip, but I suppose anythings better than nothing.
This roller coaster of grief is horrendous.
I’ve actually had a couple of reasonable days but I know only too well that grief is ready to jump up and slap me in the face and bring me down again.

Take care
Sending hugs

I’m so sorry .

Sending love and hugs to you

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I’m kind of okay today so far.

Went to our local cinema last night but there’s no one to discuss the film with. I’m at that position where after 5 years I’m thinking of moving back into the main bedroom. The last 5 years were filled with dementia memories and I’ve kept out and made the spare bedroom a bit of a sanctuary for myself. It’ll be difficult at first I know because that’s where her clothes are, her jewellery and various perfumes.

It’s a dilemma really. I don’t want to change too much because that means I’m getting rid of her. But accepting I’m on my own means doing stuff for me. It’s tricky this grief and guilt and remorse.

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Its awful, so many hard decisions, when all we want is our old life back.
I’d had a couple of good days. Today I’m very tearful.
I actually found some videos with Roger talking, its what I’ve been looking for and wanting. So why am I crying so much?

In the end we’ll have to accept it, nothings going to bring them back. But I’m just not ready yet

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Hi all I seem to be going backwards. I just don’t know what to do to try and bring myself out of this horror show. I am crying and feeling so low. I fell asleep on the sofa last night still fully dressed. I woke about 3.30 but couldn’t be bothered going to bed. So I stayed on the sofa all night. Didn’t even lie down just sort of leaning back. I’m just fed up with everything. Can’t find a happy moment even if I tried. Sorry. It’s not what everyone wants to hear I know but have to vent somewhere or I’ll explode. Love to you all for being here.

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Can totally identify with this.

It is a sunny afternoon and I decided I must go out and do some shopping that really needed to be done.

The positive is I went out.

I found myself repeating He is with me, he is with me, he is with me ….
I started repeating it without even realising it. Of course, I started to cry.

I got to the first place I needed to shop, went in smiled, shopped and even joked with the people there.

Then onto the last shop, crying most of the way.
As I went around the shop, my mind was fuzzy, and I was very tearful.
Never been so upset when shopping alone before.

Coming back home, I was crying again and told him the world was empty without him.
It is, it’s totally empty.

I stay home most of the time as going out by myself is unbearable.
We went everywhere together.

Thank you for letting me share this.

Rose x

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So very sorry. I know you have had a couple of good days x

I also know you were searching for videos.

You are crying, I think, because you want Roger to be back with you.

I certainly know how that feels.

I am not ready to accept the reality either.

Rose x

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Thank you Rose
I know you understand
X x

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I have been on the rollercoaster again today.

After visiting a nearby green space with a friend, I was in tears coming home.

So during uncontrollable crying I phoned the Samaritans,
Cried all the time I was talking to someone.

The crying and talking has helped a little bit.

However, I still miss him so much and want him back. I know that is impossible.
He was, is and always will be the love of my life.
He was the one who understood and really knew me.
He made me complete. He was such a lovely, kind man.

We were together for nearly 50 years.
How do I ever come to terms with what has happened?

This is not living. I hate all of this.
It is a nightmare that will not stop, I won’t wake up and find out that it is not true.

Sorry to burden all of you with this.

Any advice or words of wisdom?

I hope and pray you all feel better than this.

Love,

Rose x

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