Please dont worry that he got sick because of your ilness. You dis your best to go out with him. We all look back and wish to change things. When my first Husband died i used to think i didnt try hard enough with the cpr or something. But he believed when your number is up etc… If you can get out on your scooter dont worry about people looking. They might be thinking kind thoughts. Sending kind thoughts to you x
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Dear Broken,
Don’t run a mile when you see what I write next.
I help to host a group for bereaved people. There are three in my town, held in hotel restaurants or bars.
All it takes is an approach to the manager or owner to ask for a space for a couple of hours and a message put out on social media.
It may be that you will know someone else who is widowed, who will go along with you the first time. I took my Kindle, settled down with a pot of tea and waited to see if anyone turned up. If they didn’t it wouldn’t matter and it wouldn’t stop me from trying again, same time, same place, the next week.
Local GP practices, Adult Social Services and the local council were asked to refer people.
I now host two groups of between ten. and twenty people in different venues. There is pleasant, cheerful chatter on a variety of topics and it is equally possible just to sit and listen to the conversations.
The point is that we don’t need to ask one another how we are all the time because we KNOW. Our “normal” lives are not like anyone else’s and the unspoken recognition that we are all changed fundamentally and trying to reinvent ourselves, is a support like no other.
God bless us all.
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@Prof .hi, thank you for your message . I think what you are doing is marvellous, and so helpful for the bereaved. …I had thought of trying to find something like what you are doing to go to . But i have no confidence in myself now , im scared in case people dont like me , or find me boring , or dont get my ways , i have no filter now , and say things without thinking . I have a fear of rejection . I know how silly that might seem to others . I was never like this when my husband was alive , its like a total different person has took over me . I think i need a kick up the backside …I just think its easier for me to just sit in my grief bubble . To scary to try and step out of it . Thank you again , your post has made me think . Xtake carex
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Where do you meet??
I feel exactly the same, I keep looking at groups to join then I don’t go because I’m too afraid, to be honest I wasn’t one for joining in before but it didn’t matter then, I had Steve and that was enough, I feel I’ve got to become something I’m not or become isolated and unable to carry on
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@Broken2222 I completely get what you are saying. With our partners we could be who we really are warts and all, they got us, they forgave us our shortcomings like we forgave theirs in fact that’s the basis of a good marriage - the upshot of which was a daily reminder that you matter. When that is taken away - especially suddenly - it is so very hard to recreate that world even a tiny bit. Even with good friends (if we’re lucky) and family around us slowly but surely they drift back to their normal lives when all the drama of the death and the funeral is over we’re left picking up the pieces in a world where the sky is now green and the grass is now blue and nothing will ever be the same again. I have a tendency to chase after people, if they say ‘oh we must meet up sometime’ I’m like, ‘yes, when’s good for you? How about next Tuesday? Or Wednesday?’ ( I was like that even before my husband died I think it’s because I was bullied as a child so as an adult I became a friend collector probably as a way of proving I’m a nice decent person) anyway, most people go quiet I think they fear I’m going to turn into a burden they could do without. I’m lucky to have a supportive son and daugher and some good friends but everyone is working and we had our own business which has had to be closed plus I’ve got a chronic illness…so, anyaway, like I say I get what you’re saying xx
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@Missy5 @Juniper19 . Hi , i didnt and still dont have any friends , it was always just me and husband wanting each other . Happy with each others company . So luckily in a way . I havent had to put up with the loss of so called friends . I have a son and daughter and grandkids that are very supportive . Also i work ,but colleagues dont understand . I suppose its my own fault i feel like billy no mates .and cant make new friends . But i wouldnt change anything about the way me and husband had our lives .we made each other so happy .but never expected to be left without him at 59 year old . Now 61. How did that happen . !! Xtake carex
I just wish I could relax and feel safe, I’m meant to cut the grass today but I’m scared to go in the garage or even in the garden, I just feel if I could lose Steve then other terrible things could happen no where feels safe
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I know what you mean , I did all the going out partying meeting people when I was young , when I met my wife , I just knew that I had never really enjoyed all the going out etc and she was all I had been looking for .she just ‘got’ me , We settled down had kids and lived in our own bubble , only needed each other really . Now was supposed to be our time , I really don’t want to be trying to make new friends and forcing myself to be someone I’m not and never wanted to be .
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@Dino13 ,hi . I met my husband when we were both 16 , so he is the only adult life i knew , we did have friends and went out a lot when first courting . ( such an old word ) but once married and settled down . We just built our life with each other , brought our kids up . And thought we would enjoy our golden years together. …Cancer had other thoughts and totally destroyed our lives . @Missy5 .yes life is scary now . But i must say im more scared of living a long lonely life. Than of death . Xtake carex
@Dino13 well put - I think having a job to go back to would make it a bit easier in the sense that a) you have to go back and b) you have a ready made bunch of people to talk to at least in the day even if you’re not mad on them, they’re there. For me because we were self-employed and that has now ended, I haven’t got that as all my friends still work so the days are quite empty. In fact I’ve applied to the local CAB I was a Careers Adviser before I was self-employed so I’m used to advice work and I just need something to give my grieving brain a rest for a few hours a week as I have days where I just can’t stop crying.
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Just be yourself don’t go out of your way for others. Those who deserve you will come to you. Treasure your own company revel in the beautiful memories they are yours alone. Make your self the most important person
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OMG! I’m afraid of living a long lonely life too, every night I ask that it will be soon,
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I left my full time job a year ago to work for myself as a trader , my wife supported me even though inside I know she thought I was mad . I promised her I would make enough money she wouldn’t have to work anymore and we could do whatever we wanted , now I just wonder what’s the point , even if I do make a load of money it’s no use without her …
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Same here , go to bed hoping the decision is taken out of my hands and I don’t wake up
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I feel the same. I had visitors yesterday and I had a meltdown when they left. I know that we must not isolate ourselves but it is not at all easy to be sociable. Today I am feeling very depressed and very lonely and just want to curl up on the sofa. For me it has now been nearly 8 months and it is not getting any better. I tell myself that if I did not get any visitors my depression would get worse. It is not just about the loss we have experienced it is about being alone in the house - it is horrid. So you can be assured you are not alone.
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Hi i feel same today. I have had a few good days with people going to places and them visiting me etc. But i read the report from hospital today that i asked for and it has set me back (been 5 and half months) so today bad and feel like back where started. Some friends dont understand either.
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You are right about some friends do not understand. I do not have many friends but only the two that have been bereaved in some way themselves truly understand.
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It’s a horrible situation we find ourselves in I know the feeling of loneliness you talk about I felt like this all weekend myself after being out and about during the week and the silence is deafening isn’t it . My husband has been gone 4 months nearly now and miss him terribly. . People ask so what have you been doing today I feel like replying what am I meant to do on my own . Then it was suggested I go out for a meal what’s the point sitting there on my own . I have my sons near and they are good and support but they have their own lives .
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