I know how you feel it’s worse when you have been out and about as being alone then is harder than ever and the silence is more deafening for us .
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I feel the same, i wish I had died before my husband, it is so empty, only we can understand the nightmare. I hoped I wouldn’t wake up but I do so my time isn’t yet, my heart goes to you all .
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I work on the saying “ I wish I had died first because now I have to die twice”
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understand and empathise with you all. The sky now green the grass blue. People drift in but quickly drift out their lives unchanged ours changed forever.
The silent lonely path we now walk , I don’t fear my own death I fear living this life without my husband and life partner .
I’m 6 months into this forever changed life with those around going about life unchanged. But ours has, and the only ones that get that are those who walk that path.
I think isolating myself might help with my disappointment of people. Affairs of the heart which is grief are not logical.
No wonder people say “I think I’m going mad”
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@Dave1162 , hi . Those words are so true . Never thought of it that way . But totally feel it .xtake carex
It is also the ache in your heart that doesnt go away. Its early days for me but i just dont want to be here anymore. There is nothing to look forward too. The thought of maybe 20 years like this is killing me.
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I wish my time was now. He said he would wait for me.
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He will be waiting for you as I know my wife will waiting for me. Besides she probably needs decorating done
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Role reversal, I’m currently doing all the decorating and I can hear him telling me I missed a bit 
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I feel the same, I think what’s the point, my friend husband 5 years ago and she’s still finding it hard the thought of all those years with no end in site is just awful, I don’t think I want to do it
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I’m reading all of the hurt in these messages and can fully emphasise.
I think of things in another way. I miss my wife terribly, if i could have taken away her pain and suffering id have given anything to do so.
My lovely lady passed away three months ago and i have slowly come to terms with the fact that i did everything to make her last few months comfortable and happy for her, even though my heart was breaking.
I wouldnt have put my wife through the pain and misery of me going first, i dont wish id died at the same time as her either. Susan was my biggest fan and she mine. She definitely wouldnt want me to wish myself dead so that i could be with her.
I know we will be reunited when the time comes.
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Avvy and Missy5
My heart aches and if I think too far ahead of me my life without him I get very distressed . I have to repeat to myself one day at a time anything more I can’t bear the thought of living a life without him .
It feels like I’m marking time not living.
I feel guilty to be living ! Why him ?
He had no choice he wanted to stay with us his family.
I cant plan I actually don’t want to as that involves thinking ahead a life without him.
No he wouldn’t want this for me but it is what it is, it’s painful it hurts , it’s brutal it can’t be made pretty. I sometimes think I should feel grateful and not feel that I don’t want this life when he so wanted to stay , he had no choice . I do have that choice and how I live it , but to live it without him is the hardest challenge laid out in front of me I’ve ever faced.
It is a second death.
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@wilderness I feel exactly the same - the other day I had the radio on and decided to try to listen to some music which up until now I haven’t been able to. A song came on that I’d never heard before and I cried because my husband who was a big music fan would never hear it. I don’t want to see sunny days I don’t want to look at the flowers I’ll never look out at the sea again because he’s not here to look at it with me, or the mountains or the countryside or anything remotely pleasant. My husband wasn’t ill, he had high blood pressure and in the six hours he was in a&e they did nothing for him he had a massive heart attack whilst they were meant to be looking after him he died on his own as I was waiting at home to go and collect him as we were told he just needed some blood tests. It’s almost too much to bear x
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I agree. I lost my partner very suddenly from a stroke 8 months ago - we lived together for 41 years. I have never been good at social events and do not feel comfortable in joining groups. Why should I put myself out of my comfort zone. I do not have a family so feel very lonely. I force myself to go out to places (eg cafe) where I am known and used to visit together just to speak to people but it is an effort.
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Thank you Prof
I have thought about groups too but have always been shy as well
I feel the same as everyone since losing my partner I have lost confidence, trust in most everything I do .
My company is currently going through changes as an employee of 20 years service I am going through a little headache with them so not helping my esteem as work was my outlet. They were very supportive to me at the beginning a year ago I must say.
Dear Flower Garden
Know how you feel I am a year on and still feel so lost
I too go out and sit in cafes on my own just to get out but somehow it makes me feel so sad too
Sending you big hugs
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Sometimes when I sit in a cafe on my own I well-up with tears so have to leave. It is a very lonely life we are forced to live now. No-one understands unless they have been through this. Friends were very supportive for a month or two but they have to get on with their own lives and think that you must be getting more used to living alone - when in fact it is not any easier.
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Flower garden
I think people think that to “they are adjusting to living alone” you can’t quantify how long it can take it runs hand in hand with your grief . The same idea is applied by people about someone’s grief. “They must be making a new life by now , it can’t be hurting as much” The list is endless .
It comes back to unless you’ve walked this path we are on how can they truly know.
I’ve lost other loved ones important people in my life so I thought I understood loss and grief . But this your partner , it takes it to a different level all together . I thought I knew pain but this is added to in so many ways e.g the loneliness the silence their love an individual long list of missing .
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It’s shame it takes this kind of grief to understand. It’s not just in your head it’s physically painful. It’s been a year for me but the physical pain is still there when I come home and don’t hear hey love I missed you!!
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Dear flowergarden i have no family at all so i know how that feels. Have quite a few friends but not all understand and think you should be moving on. But 6 months is no time for me. And losing even my mum who i was close to is not the same at all. Memories just come at you wherever you are, in public home in bed.