Hey Moi1, it’s a shit place to be in when anniversaries are flying towards you, I always feel so incredibly anxious and unbelievably sad. I think for me it’s the anticipation of how I’m going to feel that really gets me down and nervous, miserable. It’ll be a year for me come 22nd November and I’ve noticed that I’ve already started to think on it and I know it’s going to take me to a really bad place. The only thing that keeps me going is that I know I’ll get through it, I know my wife would want me to get through it. Of all the ‘firsts’ it’s got to be the worst, I’ve got through her birthday, anniversary, moment we met, but I know that 1 year will be the worst. I walked to a beach near here on our wedding anniversary, cooked a couple of sausages on a stove and had them on a roll. I still look back on that day with a good heart so I think I’ll try something similar on the 1st year day. I found it good to just go out and make a new ritual, memory where I could be with her and be a bit happy and distracted and do something I know she would have liked.
Morning moi1
Well my ‘first year ‘ was 24th July 2023
Like you I feel myself more anxious as the date approached
Paul passed away on the Sunday 5.57pm
I knew what I was going to do
Sunday in the pouring rain at that time I went to the churchyard laid flowers and a card
Monday again at that time went to the churchyard
This felt right for me
The whole weekend was difficult but friends sent cards flowers friends popped in our best man and his wife came over ( cried more cos they’d remembered) see them but hadn’t mentioned the 24 th
Another 2 friends took me out for lunch Monday
I went to bed heartened friends care
But…… the next day floods of tears
Reality this is it …. As if I didn’t already realise
For maybe years and years and year
Like everyone here I don’t live I exist
It would’ve been our 45th wedding anniversary this Saturday 5th
Held Paul’s funeral on the 5th last year
My choice
We came together 1978 we parted 2022
I’ve been in tears all week
Paul always sent me flowers and bought me a card
And if not combining we went out for a meal
Got to say 9 times out of 10 he made that anniversary meal happen
This life is so so cruel it’s just shit
Sorry not a heartening post
Just how I feel
Xx
Hello Walan, thank you for your words. Almost a year on 30 August at 4.30 pm and not 5pm which they put on his Cert by the time the nurse came. I know it was 4.30 because I was there. I liked your story about cooking the sausages on the beach. I got a memorial bench at his golf club so maybe I will go and sit on it with a flask and snack. We loved doing stuff like that too. I dont want to be home in the bed he died in. In the last year, so much has changed, so called friends have disappeared but I have found some new friends but everytime something “new” happens, he is not here to share it with. I still have flashbacks to the bad times of the illness and it kills me every time, my head is all over the place. Ive been in bed all morning just crying and I know he would hate that but even so, I cant help it. Thank you for your time. Its so hard isnt it.
Bess1 - I tried to tag you and Walan into the same reply but I cant get that to work, another failure I cant even work out how to use this site properly. I can just imagine you in the churchyard, my nephew is buried and I sometimes go and visit him but my husband was cremated. I still have his ashes and will keep them forever. I cant believe he is now a pile of ashes. He loved life to the full before this cruel illness took him too early. I dont think anyone will remember, even my son says its just another day, how can it be just another day. Nobody understands except those on here. Life is horrible now, nothing to get up for, just go through the motions and totally fed up with people asking “how are you”. Anyway, nothing I can do about it. Like you, anniversaries were always important to us, he always got me flowers, a card and was a great cook so something tasty. I dont even bother cooking, M&S microwave meals for me now. Im back at work (from home as cant face people) and they all talk about their home life, families, holidays, meals out, weekends away etc and I just go into another room and howl. I feel jealous and envious that they have what I used to have and I know its selfish of me but its just the way I feel. At least I can write here. Maybe one day I will have something cheery to say.
Hi Moi1, It’s really difficult to stop spinning out sometimes. I try to be patient with myself, I forget things easily now, left the lid for the Freezer open the other day, found it 2 hours later 
. But I suppose I’m coming to accept things like that from myself nowadays. aye friends have been surprising, some good some disappointing, I’ve noticed with older couples we knew that they tend to back off the most, I think they can see the pain I’m in but can only relate it to themselves and their partners. It’s not great but I understand. And as you say doing new things can be hard, espescially when it’s things my wife would have enjoyed and done with me, but I’m just going to keep trying to live life for her. I reckon it’ll get easier as time moves on, it has so far but I guess it changes us so much that we have to ry and understand who we are again
Hi Moi1
Yes Paul was cremated but buried in the churchyard I am just waiting for the headstone
Yet another difficult day when I see that
I kept some of his ashes they are here with me
Never ever ever did I imagine going through all this
Suppose it happens ‘sometime’ but not yet
We had so many plans like all of us here they were just snatched away
I said to Paul when he was diagnosed with cancer
Why us?
His reply why not …… got to land on someone’s door step……
Selfish me but not ours!
Like you I see folk enjoying life planning …… living
Here it in the radio folk ringing in what they are doing
Not here …… I’m trying to survive
And ……. Friends
You certainly find out who they are
Met a school friend this morning
She said’ so do you feel better now the first year is over’
Some folk just don’t get it……
We are all in the same boat
Lonely alone bewildered and having to somehow find a new life when all we want is to have our old life back
In my darkest moments ( and there’s a lot) my head is full of the never again moments I just cannot believe I will never see Paul speak to him hear him
enjoy his company go away in the motorhome ever again …… the list is as you all know just horrendous and endless
It’s just crippling and I am supposed to magically after a year to feel better!
Not to mention seeing couples
I hear Paul saying come in Sylv you can do this
My reply is
I can’t but I’m trying
Isn’t it hard folks
There was only Paul and I no family so now there’s just me
And that’s how I feel just me
Sorry for essay but thanks for reading
Xx
Me exactly Bess1, word for word spot on.
xx
@Bess1, thank you for your words, they are practically mine, even to my husband’s reaction to cancer diagnosis and his ashes also buried in a churchyard.
I have had a bad day today, it’s seven months since I lost my wonderful husband and the days get harder. I just want to talk and hug him.
I am not looking forward to the rest of my life, it is so hard. I hate living alone.
Sending love and hugs
Dear Moi1
You speak for all of us I think, where “friends” are concerned.
We have to forgive them because they cannot possibly understand what we can hardly understand ourselves.
Those of us with long marriages behind us and no children or other relatives, have undergone a sea-change. We have actually become someone we hardly recognise. Our confidence has vanished. If we were once sociable, we want to hide away because we have nothing to say, nothing to contribute to the dialogue. We hate the loneliness but if someone visits it isn’t long before we are wishing them away again.
Going outside takes all my courage and is a trial to be borne, without my hand in the hand of my dear one. What am I afraid of? My husband once wrote in a love letter to me, “I’ll slay any dragon for you as long as it isn’t electrical.” He was my rock and my world and with him beside me, I was afraid of nothing. I was proud and happy. Now, my own garden can suddenly become a terrifying jungle, having me dashing indoors in tears. Who IS this person?
It’s no wonder our friends can’t handle it, no wonder they don’t know what to say and whatever attempt they make, it’s bound to fall short of what we want to hear.
What do we do? We put on the smiling mask, say, “Fine, thank you.” when asked how we are today and let them feel glad they made the effort to pick up the 'phone.
Only here on SR can we tell the truth and even then, wonderful as our English language is, it provides only a clumsy approximation of what we really want to express. That anguished cry inside has no equivalent. When I hear a fox scream in the wood, I try to breathe out and let my pain be carried away with it in the night air.
I don’t think we are selfish or mean spirited in any way when we feel the knife twist in the presence of other couples. To be part of a couple is how I think we were designed. It would be strange indeed if we didn’t feel the pain of separation more acutely in the presence of what used to be our reality.
God bless us all.
Hi All
Thank you for your kind responses
We are not ‘alone’ but very alone if you know what I mean
I’ve just had my tea
Never had the oven on ( we moved here 14th 10 days before Paul passed away)
He lived to see me here
Anyway …… tea
Tea for me when I’m home 95% of the time
Sandwich ( got to say bought!) a packet of crisps cake or biscuit
Yes now into year 2 of more of the same teas
Been asked out 3 times for my tea to friends but sister in law Clare ( Paul’s twin brothers wife) when I stay over sometimes cooks lovely meals
Me? Why cook for just me then to eat alone
Eating alone folks as you know is just something else on a par with coming home tip an empty house
Yes came home to empty house all our married life except Paul lived here ……as you know a big big difference
Oh and going to bed
I would sometimes be last one to bed
Check door lights out not a problem
Except Paul was upstairs in the house
Oh not now
Totally different concept isn’t it?
I could write a book of the oh ands
Another essay sorry
Xx
Hi Prof
Generous words
You are right did we know how folks felt when they lost a loved one no
Did we notice couples when we were one no
Did we realise the looks couples give each other when we were a couple no
Did we realise how this situation would affect us no
Did we know how grief can affect our thoughts feelings no
Did we know our hearts would be totally utterly heartbroken and constantly ache no
Take care everyone be
Xx
Im just sitting here crying my eyes out wishing he was here by my side. I absolutely hate this new life.
Hi Moi1
Yes this new life is just devastating heartbreaking and awful
I have no words of wisdom I’m like you daily and cannot see an end
Yearn for my old life back and I think that’s the tragic ness …… unfortunately we cannot have it
You are not alone folk here feel the same ( no comfort I know) when all you want is your special loved person back
Take care
Xx
PS Sending big hugs
Xx
Its so hard, i look at the vase on the sideboard where his ashes are contained and I think how on earth can you be in there, you should be here, we still have so much to do.
xx
Hi Moi1
I think EXACTLY the same except some of Paul’s ashes buried in the churchyard and I have some at home
How on earth did this happen?
I know what happened bloody cancer
Like you we had plans …….not this!
Xx
I hate cancer. In this day and age how can they not find a cure. I hope I get it and I can at least be with him.
It’s evil for what it does to the body and the effect it has on us mentally.
I will never forget being with my husband when we were told he had cancer and there was no light at the end of the tunnel. It came out of the blue because he was fit and still playing tennis. I was told by our GP that the consultant should never have said that to us.
He had a kidney removed and courses of radiotherapy on one of his pelvic bones. In the end he had advanced prostate cancer which his consultant should have picked up years before because my husband was having regular scans and blood tests. The cancer from the prostate had spread and the last few months of his life were devastating, I will never forget it and only last night had another horrible dream.
Good morning Rosemary. How are you this morning? Sorry to hear of your dream. I haven’t dreamed yet. Mind you I have hardly slept. My memory I keep trying to erase is the last time I saw him. Jaundiced due to the cancer in his liver. Tossing in the bed. His eyes rolling. Not recognising I was there. I at least managed to alert the nurses who managed to settle him and make him more comfortable. I try to look at the photos to erase that image but it doesn’t really work. Xx. Sandra
I am not too bad thanks Sandra. It’s these heartbreaking memories we have that’s making us worse. So many of us are having the same problem. To see our husbands, and wives, suffer so much and to see their once fit bodies ravaged by illness, is something we will never forget. I look at photographs a lot, I have one on my screen saver, so I see this lovely pic of him every time I open my iPad.
I’m seeing a friend for lunch so will cheer me up.
You will soon be seeing your brother and sister-in-law, something nice to look forward to. xx