Day 48 since I lost my Tony. Is it better than day 47? No, still crying 
uncontrollably. I miss him so much. We did everything together, made decisions together and faced the good and bad times together. My unchosen life now is to continue on my own with all the pain and loneliness. I cannot find a reason or purpose for my still being here. Maybe itās to care for my 91 year old mum. What happens when I eventually lose her as well? I know that it is still early in my grieving process and I hope eventually I may find a reason for being here. My life, me, us has changed forever without me being a willing participant. I long for my old life before I lost my dearest Tony but knowing it will never happen makes my life a living hell.
I hope that everyone has a better day today and maybe some of you may start to see the light at the end of this never ending tunnel
Take good care of yourself. Sending big hugs to all xx
Sending love and best wishes back to you, take care x
Hi Joyce hope youāre feeling a bit better. Iām at a loss of where to go from here. I had to come here with my husbandās job. Never liked it. Certainly no community spirit. The phoneās stopped ringing and nobody comes round unless they want something . I think as itās been 7 months they think Iām ok now. I hope to.move next year but havenāt a clue where to go. Far too memories here. Who knows what the future holds. I always thoughtni would be the first one to go. In a way i wish i had been. I wouldāve be going through this nightmare. I live in hope things will improve one day. Just do one day at time thatās what i do and take care of yourself. X
Hi @Jay15 , thank you. Day has not gone as well as it could have. Had to pay the funeral directors today and brought back the memory of my husbandās funeral. Friends and family were there. One family member keeps in touch and that is it. I feel for you for your loss and I certainly know how you feel about the future we didnāt ask for. I agree we can only do one day at a time but itās hard. Please take care of yourself and sending you love and hugs xx
Oh stargate what a horrible day for you.
I went to a funeral, in the same place as Rogerās 2 weeks ago. I went because he would have wanted me to, but boy was it tough and sad. Iām sure people thought I was very upset about a friend passing away. Little did they know. A good friend did support me, Im lucky to have these supportive friends . Bed soon to cry I think.
Hi @Paddy53 how awful. I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. Iām glad that you had a good friend to support you. A good cry wonāt be a bad thing. Sometimes you need it to release the sadness. I did walking home from the funeral directors. Take care and hope we both get some sleep tonight. Big hugs and sending you love. xx
Morning, today is day 49 and marks 7 weeks since I lost my Tony, my world. It seems like only yesterday that I lost him. Tried to hold back the tears but itās not working as the tears are rolling down my face uncontrollably. My life feels empty at the moment. I work but wonder why. Little things bring on waves of pain and sadness for my Tony and the life we have and my ānewā life is changed and not what I want. Little things like opening the fridge and thereās no salad boxes or cold meats or fruit that I used to buy Tony for his lunch at work reminds me that I am never going to see him again. I know that Tony would want me to carry on but it is easier said than done. At this moment I cannot envisage my future, I can only hope to survive and get through one day at a time. I cannot think of tomorrow or the future. The pain is too much. This post helps me get through the day.
Take care of yourselves and I hope all of us get through today okā¦ Sending lots of love and big hugs to everyone. 
xx
@StarGate it is so hard but youāre doing ok. I remember those early days and weeks, thinking I wouldnāt survive the pain. Itās 7 months for me on this journey and it changes. I have some good days now and the grief is less all consuming. Iām still broken & sad and think I always will be but like you say our husbandās would want us to carry on and forge a future and Iām determined to do that. This forum really does help. Take care.
Morning @Jan17, thank you for your words and support. It helps to know that eventually things will improve. Take care of yourself. xx
7 months for me too. Must admit i do get a couple of what you call goid days and then it hits me again. Today i donāt feel very good. Still sorting stuff out. Mainly bills and accounts as my husband did all that on the computer. He was very good at it and i never bothered. Thrown in at the deep end with it. Anyway weāll all get there in the end. Hope you all keep well. X
It is only 7 weeks since I lost my husband suddenly and I canāt believe those weeks have gone, itās all a blur really, how have I survived in this hazy world. But survived I have, there has been very little joy but lots of kindness from friends and family and buckets of tears.
So letās keep going and keep trying to make our new life, keep strong x
So sorry for your loss Kathy, itās so hard to get through each day but with the support of families and friends and knowing that there are people on this forum that understand what we are all going through helps to know we are not alone
Take good care
I know what you mean about the little things. He ate all the fruit Iām not a big fan, and the fruit bowl is empty.
His brother left this morning, and even though I donāt really get on with him (2 very different men), I cried buckets when he left. Then I took a parcel to the off licence to be collect, and I had to tell the man in there. He said, but you two seemed inseparable. Thatās how I feel at the moment, donāt want to be separated from himā¦.
Hi @Paddy53 It seems silly doesnāt it but small things can be just as upsetting. The memory is large for us. Itās like not being able to see him drive off to work in the mornings and hear the key turn in the evenings when he came home. I still listen out for it although I know that it will never happen again.
I understand you crying buckets when his brother left. I did the same thing when my sister in law left a few days after the funeral. I think itās the realisation that we will be on our own with no one to talk to.
I also get the not wanting to be separated. When you do everything together, losing your beloved is like losing half of yourself.
Take care of yourself and sending you an extra big hug. xx
I spent most of today feeling numb and what I can only describe as being in a thick fog and not being able to find my way out. I couldnāt concentrate on work (I work from home) so I decided to watch the video of our wedding. It was bitter sweet. Sweet because 40 years ago Tony and I were so young and were so happy on our wedding day looking forward to our future together. Bitter because we will never complete our future, our dreams now. Part of our wedding vows was ātill death do us partā. When we said it little did we know that this would be so sudden, that he would be snatched from me with very little warning. This is the cruelty if life. We do not know what is round the corner so I donāt feel there is much point to making plans.
Hereās hoping that all of us will have as good an evening as possible. Lots of love and hugs. xx
Oh thatās so sad. I think the numbness and fog brain is normal. Today i just had an empty feeling in my stomach and totally numb. Confidence just disappeared. If it wasnāt for taking the dog out i wouldnāt have gone out at all. Havenāt seen a soul all day. So quiet round here. People have dropped off calling now. I suppose after 7 months they think Iām ok. Once more dreading the weekend. Things have to change. I canāt go on for the rest if my life like this. Still deciding whether to move or not. To be honest donāt know whether i can afford to stay here. Please try and stay strong and just take one day at a time. Thatās what i do. Keep in touch. Take care. Thinking of you. Jill xx
@Jay15 Hi Jill, so sorry you were having a bad day as well. Itās strange that people stop calling. I suppose they donāt understand what we are going through. Regarding moving, please make sure that you make the decision thatās right for you. Iām dreading the weekend as well. I will try to stay strong and I hope you will too. I can only take one day at a time. Thank you for your support. Do keep in touch especially with the weekend looming. Take good care of yourself too. You are in my thoughts. Sending love and big hugs to you. Joyce xx
Thanks Joyce. Yes itās a big decision about moving but we had both decided one day we would move. Think Iāll wait till spring. Not a good time at the moment in this cold weather. Iāve got appointment at hospital on December 12. Same hospital where the nightmare happened. Nothing serious but having to go on my own. Going to get a taxi as not quite sure of way. Myhusband loved driving so i was quite happy to let him. Anywhere i needed to go he always took me. Anyway weāll get there in the end. Take care x
Hi Jill, I think you are right to leave the move to next year. I feel for you going back to the same hospital where everything happened. Stay strong. Iām the same. My husband loved driving so he drove us everywhere. I donāt like driving when it gets dark. I will be thinking of you. Take care. Big hugs and sending you love. xx