Woke up this morning hoping that I could get through it without tears. No chance - uncontrollable tears again. I miss my husband desperately. I want to be able to see him, talk to him, hug him, kiss him. I want him to put his arms around me, give me a big hug and tell me that everything will be ok.
Work offers some sort of distraction, then comes the end of the day which I dread because I know he is not going to walk the door when he comes back from his work.
I have a couple of people who are in touch with me but donāt live near me. I have also had people text me to ask me how I am and when I tell them I am struggling I get radio silence. I am really struggling with my grief today but trying to stay strong and take it an hour at a time. Iām posting here because I knew that everyone here understands.
Take good care of yourselves. Love and hugs. xx
Morning, totally get your pain! I really struggle with the mornings. I lie in bed and literally dread getting up, the anxiety and pain kicks in as I try and force myself to get out of bed and go downstairs to make a coffee. Because the mornings were always our little hour together before kids got up, weād sit have a coffee together before work. Telling eachother how our days were looking etcā¦ now I just sit there in silence and feel like my hearts being ripped out.
Itās been 9 weeks since I lost shaun but it feels like a lifetime already and I just donāt know how il ever get through the rest of my life. Xx
Hi ! Sadly what you describe is something that we all really do understand and can relate to. Iām almost five months without Jacky and each day wake up after a restless night thinking and hoping that today will be one without the tears.
It isnāt possible to be ānormal,ā or find pleasure in those morning rituals that we loved because we shared them with that one special person and now that special person is no longer there.
We lived our lives quite happily for that person,everything we did for years and years we did in the hope that it would make them happy,laugh,feel loved and so in doing that and seeing it work then of course we would feel happy,laugh and feel loved ourselves because that was all we wanted. I feel none of those things today without Jacky,through desperation and intense pain I beg Jacky to come back,to help me,let me hear her voice or even just touch her.
For you and me and everyone on here this is simply mental and emotional insanity,itās a place we knew nothing about yet here we are with this pain that hits us every day and there isnāt a thing that will take it away.
So ! we have to live with it,let the tears flow then dry your eyes,they will be back shortly. Live with the pain knowing it will only ease temporarily,that will come back also. Eventually we will wake up and not cry but not for a long time and when we do that loss will still be there.
I/we know how you feel,I mean we really do know how you feel because itās how we feel too. There isnāt any " I hope you have a good day," " hope you feel better soon," but in time there might be so all I can say is take care,you are in my/our thoughts.
The mental/emotional insanity is so spot onā¦ I feel some days Iām doing ok, but then that scares me and i feel the chest pains/heart racing/pain kick inā¦
I donāt see any light at the end of this very dark tunnel, because I know there isnāt oneā¦
Everyday is just existing, a miserable low existence. One that I donāt want to do but have no other choice?
@Scarl34 @miker Hi both, you have both put into words how I feel everyday at the moment - the tears, the pain, the sadness , the loss, the loneliness. I am not sure what my purpose is anymore. I will always love my Tony. I donāt think the pain and longing will ever go but I can hope that in time it will lessen.
Take good care both of you. I will be thinking of both of you as the weekend approaches. Sendin love and hugs (not sure if it helps). xx
@StarGate thinking of you also! I read a lot of your comments/posts and my heart aches for youā¦
Iv really struggled this morning, just had no go in me, so me and my my youngest just had a really slow morning cuddled up. Sheās only 9 so struggling tooā¦
I hate the weekend so much itās the worst time 
xx
@Scarl34 Thank you. My heart breaks for you and your children. Not sure what any of us can. We canāt change the past or future but exist in this nightmare. Take care of yourself and your children and hope we get through another horrible weekend. Loveā¤ļø and hugs. xx
I am struggling today. Got up at 9 fed dog n then back in bed. Up now, but the anxious feelings are kicking in. I need to go shopping and I just canāt be bothered. Just feel sick with anxiety and worry. These 7 weeks have been torture
Yes it is a case of simply existing @StarGate 
I keep telling myself what I promised shaun that I would keep going and try to live, but now heās gone itās just just impossibleā¦ xx
@Scarl34 My Tony would want me to carry on as well but itās really hard. How am I supposed to create a new life??? Take care xx
@Juliebobs It seems that a lot of us are struggling today. I feel your pain and yet it is torture. All we can do today is I think live/exist from moment to moment. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. I will be thinking of you. Iām struggling too. Love and hugs. xx
Thankyou. Xx its good that someone on here usually responds. Feels less lonely.
I managed to get out to Argos but town was full of mature couples just like we used to be. Think I will try to get all my shopping done as soon as possible so I can avoid the shops as christmas gets closer.
Good for you @Juliebobs. Thatās a good step. I agree if you donāt want to be around mature couples, then do the shopping early. I am trying to avoid the Christmas shopping. Take care. Love and hugs xx
I sympathise with the sick feeling, itās awful isnāt it, that and the panic and fear that I canāt cope x
I must admit i donāt think im going to bother with Christmas. Miserable as it may sound but at the moment canāt be bothered. Horrible morning. Tried to do internet banking (my husband did it all) put wrong digit in and now logged out of bank. Phoned bank and listened to music for about half hour and eventually told they will send activation code through post. Until then canāt access bank account. Quite honesty everything i touch seems to go wrong. Hope this fog brain goes soon. I donāt like shopping on my own. My husband loved driving so he did it all. Now itās u p to me. I avoid it when i can. Just hope everyone eventually feels better one day.
Hi @Jay15 I am not bothering with Christmas - canāt do it, too painful, just a reminder of the loss of my lovely Tony. Sorry to hear about your banking problems. Itās now that we realise how much our husbands did for us. For me itās the car. In this awful day today I was shown some kindness which made me burst into tears. I went to pick up my mumās prescription and noticed a warning light on the dashboard. I drove to our local garage. Told the bloke there was a warning light and I didnāt know what it was. My husband would have known but he passed away recently and I burst into tears. He was very kind and said that he would take a look at it. Turns out it was the tyre pressure. He sorted out all 4 tyres and reset the warning lights and told me there was no charge. His kindness made me cry. There are some kind people around. I had never been to this garage before. Take care. Love and hugs xx
But the beauty of your sad story is that you now know if you need a good and kind garage you have found one.
It is 6 weeks yesterday since Jaq died and this has been my first full week back at work. Whilst the routine is good, my ability to focus is not great and my thoughts drift off to our time together and how much I miss her.
I get out to walk the dogs, but donāt see that many people when I am working from home.
Take care everyone and look after yourselves
Pete
Pleased you got your car sorted. Just goes to show there are some nice people out there. One of the dog walkerls that knew my husband said if i needed any help with anything at all to let him know. To cut a long story short at the end of this i realised he wanted my car for his mother. Havenāt seen him since when i told him I wasnāt selling. I think people have to be aware of things when youāre vulnerable. Iām learning not to be so trusting. Take care x