Thank you Johnswife. I wonder if my loss of Gill has taken away all that I once was. Although a professional engineer, I was also an experienced pilot and sailor. Gill and I flew and sailed together and even managed to fit in over forty cruises as well. Now, on my “bad” days, I really shouldn’t even drive my car!
I find it impossible to imagine that a superior, all powerful, entity who could take my darling Gill from me in such a painful and undignified manner could care a jot whether or not I not I live with my grief.
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@PeterL I agree about the cruel entity whatever or whoever it is. The trouble is I went to Sunday school and they planted the seed that warns me if I kill myself I will go to hell. I know my darling John is definitely not there. He was kind, gentle, loving, talented … I could go on and on. I will just have to wait.
My you have had a full and interesting life. You must have some tales to tell. I don’t believe the loss of Gill has taken away what you once were. I think like me it has changed you into someone you don’t want to be but your life with Gill has not changed. You two sound very much like us. Adventurous and world travellers.
Hi Kate
I had decided I wasn’t going to participate in this thread any longer. Until your quote by Willie Nelson and this made perfect sense to me. I didn’t know that either but it certainly makes sense and I don’t want my brain dimming. Thank goodness I stayed long enough to read it as I find it inspiring.
I give thanks for each day whatever it throws at me. Some days can be shear misery but I stand by MY opinion of MY life. It has been a blessing. I have had wonderful as well as sad things happen in it but I would not have wished to miss it. Except for the loss of my husband of course.
I try to consider myself going into another chapter of my life.
Pat
xxx
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Thank you San. How I agree with you.
My husband also suffered excruciating pain, fading just as your dear husband but right till his last breath he fought so hard to hang onto that life. His was terminal but I remember him saying. “I will lead my life for as long as I can and as well as I can” he remained positive and strong throughout. His quiet strength made me so proud of him. I am sure that if I had gone first he would still be saying those words and not wanting his life to come to an end. I too am not offering an opinion but sharing an experience like you!!!
Pat
xx
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Hi everyone, I’ve removed a few posts where this thread seemed to be descending into an argument, but I’m glad to see that is has been back on track in more recent posts - please let’s keep that going, If you have any more concerns, get in touch at online.community@sueryder.org, rather than addressing it here, as there are clearly people in real need of support getting that through this conversation, and we don’t want to disrupt that.
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Dear Peter
Ive been taught that signs appearing from our loved one can only appear during a stage in our hurtful experience when we are not actually grieving at that specific time. In the early days my beautiful Anne left me many coins in and around the house in the most oddest places. Most of these coins were dated 2016 - one of them in mint condition. These were later replaced by me finding white feathers. Im still finding the odd one now 15 months later. The secret is not to go looking for signs as they will never appear if you go searching. They will pop up when you least expect them to.
Love and Light
Geoff x
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Geoff, how wonderful for you that Anne has so obviously been in touch. I would love that to happen to me but understand what you say, my grief is so intense just now that I may not be receptive. The day my Gill died a pendulum wall clock and a grandfather clock jn our home both stopped at exactly 11.51, this was witnessed by numerous medical staff - we all agreed that this was more than coincidence but had no idea what it meant, Gill actually died at 11.15. May I say how close I feel to you all, thank you for your friendship.
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Dear Peter
That was your first sign my friend 
Love and Light
Geoff x
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Thank you Geoff. If I could know that my Darling is safe and happy some other place then some of my hellish despair might dim a little.
Tillwemeetagain. I have no living relatives, other than that, I know exactly how you are feeling. I use sleeping pills to help me sleep and I look forward to bedtime, as sleep is the only relief from my pain. Waking up is another story, I wake feeling snug and cosy then suddenly, WAM!, when fully awake the dreadful realisation of my loss swamps me again. Shortly after Gill’s death a long-time, very religious, friend of ours tried to comfort me by telling me that God loves me and will look after me… I asked her why her God would cherish me yet allow my darling wife to die a painful and ugly death from cancer. She had no answer. Neither do I.
May we both sleep well tonight. I wish you peace.
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Dear Peter
It is the abomination of man made religions thats caused so much mental, emotional, and physical suffering for thousands of years. A false conception of many so called gods. Look beyond these mill stones around the necks of the many.
Love and Light
Geoff x
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Just food for thought
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@Tillwemeetagain That’s me summed up in a nutshell. It’s cruel really really cruel on all of us and our darling husbands/wives who have died. We didn’t deserve this. No one does.
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Dear,
Johnswife,
I am 37 years old,i lost my Mum age 34 at the end of August 2017,and my step-dad,at the end of August 2019. I have no choice but to carry on for my 14 year old son. I wish that i could join my Mum every night i go to sleep,then another day comes,but what other choice is there other than to carry on for my son. I honestly don’t think i will be the same person again. Sending you strength and hugs,here if you’d like to message me,Lucy,Take Care,xxx
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@Tillwemeetagain I sat in the sun yesterday. It was nice and my little cat rolled around at my feet. It was a moment outside the darkness. Thank you for your lovely messages. 
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I completely agree with you as hard as it is too loose anyone close the pain of loosing your husband, best friend and soul mate is excruciating. I am only 5 weeks of loosing my husband of 27 years.
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Hello Saramsay. I understand and share your pain and am so very sorry that you are having to walk this dreadful path. Friends and neighbours try to help us claiming to understand what we are going through but, unless they too have lost a husband or wife, they have no idea what our hell is like. I would like to welcome you to our community, here you will find others in exactly the same situation as yours. We cry on each others shoulders and give each other digital hugs when needed - a great bunch of very needy people who will make you very welcome.
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Dear Peter
Well said Sir
Love and Light
Geoff x
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@sam1 I also welcome you although like me you don’t want to be walking in these shoes of grief and despair. Please post as much as you want. As Peter says all we can do is huddle together and try to support each other. 
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Peter, how right you are, unless they have walked in our shoes. But I found that I had friends who although they are yet to, knew I had lost part of me and most of all knew me, they gave me a safety net called love.
Sandra x
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Dear Geoff. Will you forgive me if I ask about your “Love and Light” greeting? I find it intriguing.
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