Hi Peter – I have often cried my way through walking my dog and they say the tears are good because you are getting the emotion out (im not sure if that is right) but its very draining and I feel so lonely for David --nothing can fill that space. People say keep busy but it is just a distraction and the lonliness is always there. I am trying to notice the beauty of nature to ease the pain and do some gardening which I use to love but grief is very difficult and the waves of it come and knock you over again. I have huge brain fog and cant seem to get things done but I think our minds are so full of thoughts that we feel like we are losing our mind --I am rambling now ! The country house sounds good–book me in please ! Sending hugs x
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Hi Debbie–Yes I too am dreading Christmas- our first one without our partner --its a bad time for all of us that have lost their loved one and hearing the ads on tv that wonderful Christmas is coming just causes stress cause it just highlights our pain .We will all feel the same way on this forum though and hopefully we can support each other. I love Peters idea of the big country house --I guess this forum is the next best thing -its nice to chat to others that get how grief really is x
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Dear Bristles, You only know the depth of this grief when you experience it. Cliches are meaningless drivel and if they upset you just ignore them, the people spouting this stuff should count themselves lucky they have not had to deal with the heartbreak.
I’m not the same person I was when I was with my John. I was happy and content and now I am broken, frightened and alone.
Sending comfort and peace.B x
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Dear Peter
Count me in on your big country house - please! Better than all the counselling stuff and medication. Thats such a brilliant dream 
Love and Light
Geoff x
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Hi trac yes i too am dreading all the christmas ads that will be starting soon they just make the pain worse unless you have lost your loved one others don’t understand what you are going through ed loved christmas so as hard as it will be i’m still going to put the tree up and the decorations and fill the house with light and love and hope he’ll be near me x
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When people make cliches they are trying to be kind and helpful. It might not be what we want to hear at that moment but at least they are bothering with us. Why be angry and even rude, just smile and be thankful that someone has bothered to speak and trying to offer kindness to us.
And I stand by my feeling that MY life is precious and I see no reason why this should be ridiculed by someone who had made it clear many, many times that his life isn’t worth anything anymore. I have had sad times and struggles but I have had a loving husband, children, family, friends and a life that has been interesting and fulfilling at times, now I am struggling with MY pain but Yes I am still grateful that I have had a life to be able to reminisce about and I do not apologise for that. I don’t know other peoples suffering but we do have our OWN suffering so have a good idea what it’s like. Perhaps I just don’t want to continually tell people what rubbish my life is now. I am doing my best to make it worthwhile. It’s hard work but I hope it will give some hope to those newly bereaved that really do want to get through their grief and pick up the pieces of a life yet again. I have learned to live with MY grief and it is a part of ME now. Even in my sadness I feel my life is worthwhile and I try to keep occupied with interesting things. This last sentence won’t go down very well with some of you and I am expecting a reaction from certain members. Just remember that other members are in grief as well and some are trying hard to come through their pain and sadness.
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I will share with you how negative threads impacted on me when I joined in July 2018, 4 months after I lost my husband.
I only read, I was not sure what I was looking for, there was a lot of negativity, but what that did was make me all the more determined that I would not embrace that, I had to find a way to cope with my loss.
So, I stepped back, returning later in the year to discover some inspirational people, on the same journey but sharing hope and positivity and most of all confirming that the way I was dealing with it was worth the determination to find a way to live my life. My life could end tomorrow, next year, many years from now. But when I reunite with my darling man, I have so much to share with him 
Threads like this are difficult, they have their place just as positive ones have, my experience shows that it can make someone in the depths of despair decide, that’s not going to be me.
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My first two posts, first one 6 months after joining. I’ve come a long way sleep though is still the challenge, it’s better, not broken 4/5 hours and lying for 2 hours waiting to fall asleep. But I accept that’s my new sleep pattern 
Cliches ! I’ve heard them all. When people trot out the same old stuff , I just look at them and think "You haven’t got a clue "
All they do is show how little people understand grief. It’s not kind to
say "he wouldn’t you to be unhappy "
I’ve lost everything that matters to me, why would I be happy?
If more people acknowledged the truth about grief and loss rather trying to "paper over the cracks " and jolly you along it would be more helpful.
The idea about living in one big house COULD be a good one, my sister has suggested it several times.
I’ve been reading Bristles posts over the last couple of years and he’s said lots of kind and supportive things to myself and others . He obviously loved his wife deeply and I understand how devastated he is.
Wishing everyone well , Jx
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Hi Kate. You are absolutely right. A very wise and true post. It is a fact that thinking negatively all the time does affect the brain. For those in doubt look it up! Depression is a very complex illness and can affect those who show no outward signs of it. It is also contagious. A negative person can affect all those around them, and even tip someone else into depression. Most of us on here are wide open to suggestion, and we look for ways to ease the awful pain. My glass is half full also. Negative words can do so much harm to those already suffering. They have far more power than we think. Of course we can’t all be upbeat, and this site is about unloading, but in a kind and maybe a positive way. Whatever is said here, I can only say to those who want to ease the pain, there is a light in the distance, and it does get brighter. After two years I have found it much brighter. I will, no doubt, get jumped on, but no one or anything can upset me any more, so go ahead.
Blessings and love to all. John.
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I agree with you, life is shit now, it’ll never be the same ever again. I can’t enjoy my life anymore, I’ve lost my life, we can’t sugarcoat it and say everything will be fine. Some people might be able to carve out a new different life for themselves and good luck to them, but we’re all entitled to our opinions on the way we are feeling and my opinion is, I don’t want this life that has been forced upon me, I can’t build a new life and be fine with it, life is shit now .
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Hi Pattidot,
Good for you! It’s lovely to have a bit of optimism on here. I accept that for some people, this may be upsetting and they may think optimism is an insult to the one they have lost. I don’t think it is. I think the biggest thank you I could give to my amazing husband who was so
strong, supportive, loving and loads more is to be the best person I can be and live the best life I can, for him. He did not spend 57 years making me happy to have it all be for nothing.
So, my darling Tony, I shall do my best to be optimistic and enjoy what’s left of my time. left of my life and be grateful that we were together for so long, and for our wonderful family. Pattidot, thank you for being a bright light in the darkness. I hope your post wakes others up as it did me, and I wish you all the best, and all others who are taking this route.
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Thank you Johnswife. I have ordered St.John’s Wort - I 'll try anything. I am finding the crushing loneliness a very serious problem. Should you ever find yourself Warwickshire way!!!
If we all clubbed together could we buy our Country House?
As Geoff would say,
Peace and Light (with hugs for good measure) to you all.
Peter
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Does anyone choose to be negative? I don’t think so. I think people who have a negative outlook should be allowed to say that they hate life. It’s their lived experience. Why should someone who really hates their life have to pretend it isn’t that bad and be made to feel guilty when they express how much they hate life?
At the same time, people who have a positive outlook on life can be beneficial on this forum, as some people who really hate their life are looking for inspiration that things might get better.
As for cliches, yes, they’re annoying, but intent matters. To me it makes no sense to get angry at someone who says some platitude, if they meant well. A woman at this forum told me I’ll be ok about my dad, because she was also very upset when her dad died and she was ok. But her experience of her dad dying was, in my opinion, totally different. She got married at an early age, to a man she loved. She had a family when her dad died. She wasn’t as close to her dad as I was. And how close you are to someone can greatly impact how you cope with grief. My dad once told me I will be ok after he dies, that he loved his dad too and he was eventually ok, but I told dad that he wasn’t as close to his dad as I am to him. And dad did agree. I mean, there’s rarely been a day in my life when I didn’t speak with my dad. He was my best friend. The most important person (with mum) in my life. This woman’s dad wasn’t the most important person in her life, he wasn’t her best friend, her husband was. Did I get angry at this woman? Of course not. She said what she did with the best of intention. She was being kind. And I appreciated that she cared enough to write, even if at the end of the day I did not agree with what she said.
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Hi. Peter. Just a word of warning from experience. Have you told your GP you are intending to take St. John’s Wort? It’s fine on its own, but if you are on medication it can have harmful consequences. I do believe in herbal remedies, but only after consulting my GP if and when I need medication. All the best. John.
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was thinking the same when I read about the St John’s Wort, it doesn’t sit well with a lot of prescribed medicines
hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today
blessings
Jen🦋
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I agree with you Abdullah that everyone should be able to post how they are feeling whether it is a positive or negative post. This is after all a forum for bereaved people and I don’t think it needs a warning that it’s not all fun and laughter.
I fully respect that for those people who are in a more positive phase its appropriate to give encouragement for those who seek it. However I think it’s also appropriate for those who are struggling to voice that they are. It might just help someone else who is feeling the same to engage with someone of a like mind rather than no-one.
Society as a whole has sanitised the messiness of grief to a level that is seemingly uncaring to many of us who are grieving.
Someone who was a glass half full person before bereavement may have a greater chance of remaining so afterwards but the chances of a glass half empty person changing their mindset is negligible. I think we need a whole new etiquette of how to support bereaved people at all stages.
Very few people ever know the full circumstances of why an individual may be particularly struggling when another person seems to cope so much ‘better’. It isn’t even always down to personality. In the case of multiple or premature bereavements or as you say, in the case of a particularly close relationship, the grief may be much more complex. Not worse than other grief but more complex.
We have the option on this site to respond to whom we wish or not if we don’t. Provided it’s not offensive, I think there is a place for all views.
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Yes Jobar, I do agree. But your proviso that provided it’s ‘not offensive’ is so important. Of course we are all different and no one can really tell another what to do. But love and respect must come into it. There are ways of saying things and making a point without upsetting anyone. No one should feel they are ‘walking on eggshells’, neither should they not feel free to voice an opinion, but with tolerance and respect.
We may feel angry, frustrated and really put out, but that does not give us the right to be negative and upset others who may be feeling very vulnerable. Grief is such a personal thing, and what may upset one would be shrugged off by another. But why take chances. If we are kind and helpful it cost us nothing, and can benefit so many.
Take care. John.
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