Dad is gone

Hi first time posting here. I feel co completely alone. I don’t know how to process or where to put all the emotions I am having. Long story short I had a complex relationship with my Dad, he was an addict and was continually in and out of my life until walked out on us as a family etc when I was 8. However I spoke to him every day. He didn’t live near me and I am a single parent to a two year old no other support so this was my main contact. I also found it extremely painful to see him deteriorate and although I had accepted this was an illness I wasn’t in a place to witness it anymore. My sister lived round the corner from him she saw him once a week, sorted everything financially and was very involved. She wasn’t happy that in her eyes I didn’t help out, I digress. Two weeks ago he was rushed to hospital on the Friday with a chest infection, she rang me, told me not to come as it would be fine, he died on the sunday. She emptied his house two days later and the funeral was last Thursday.During the service, which I had no part in planning, even though I asked, I was mentioned once. it was literally all about her. I haven’t heard from her since. I have mental health issues due to various other things and I am not coping at the minute at all. my daughters behavious is horrendous and im sure its my fault, my partner is here but he isn’t much of a talker as it is and I think he doesn’t know what to say. I feel so many emotions. I just do not know how to process any of this. Maybe we didn’t have a ‘normal’ father daughter relationship but he was still my dad and I cannot believe I will never speak or see him ever again

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Huge hugs to you. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions. What an awful situation for you. Please take one day at a time xxx

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Hugs from me too, I am so sorry that you are going through this sorrow, which seems to me, alone. Rae, you have done the best thing for yourself by joining this forum and you are very welcome. I realise that it isn’t a place where you would wish to be, all of us are in the same boat united by grief. Give yourself time love, maybe your daughter is horrendous because children can soon pick up on any distress. I am not saying that you are wrong to grieve far from it. I do understand that you are upset by your sister’s behaviour, take one day at a time.
Love,
MaryL x

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It’s OK Rae.
You are among understanding friends here. Feeling alone even among people is a common grief symptom. After all you have experienced a life trauma. Grief is a process, so try and allow your emotions to express themselves. You use the word ‘process’ yourself, and the realisation of that fact will help you a lot.
There are many posts on here and a whole thread about relationships. We do learn who our friends are for sure.
Of course he was your dad, but if you can forgive him for any harm he may have done you emotionally it helps. I have spoken of this before and it seems that some people don’t find it easy. Relationships can be very difficult in families. There is no way your daughter can understand what’s going on and must be confused. I’m sorry your partner is not able to help as much as he could. It is so difficult when it’s only you suffering. You may already be on medication, but I suggest a visit to your GP if you have not been already. Are you looking at any counselling? That can help a lot too. Take care of yourself. That’s important because it’s so easy to neglect oneself when in grief. It’s very early days so give yourself time to try and come to terms with what’s happened.
Come back and talk. There are some really kind and understanding folk on here. Blessings. John.

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Hi Rae, I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad and the confused emotions you are having. It is understandable that you didn’t have a close relationship with him due to his addictions, but it is still completely normal to grieve. I’m glad that you’ve found this site, as it’s really important to have somewhere you can talk through all of those feelings.

I have found some other posts from people who are grieving people with addictions, or people they had difficult relationships with. These are older posts, so the people who wrote them might not be active on the site any more, but I thought it might be helpful to see what their experiences were:

You might also be interested in this article on the site What’s Your Grief? , called Grieving the Difficult Relationship.

I’m sorry to hear about your daughter’s behaviour problems, and that you blame yourself for these. It’s important to make sure you are getting the right support for yourself so that you are in a good place to support your daughter with this. Are you getting any support or counselling for your pre-existing mental health issues? If not, as Jonathan has mentioned, it is definitely worth speaking to your GP about what support is out there.

You can also use the NHS IAPT scheme to search for psychological therapies in your local area: https://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Psychological%20therapies%20(IAPT)/LocationSearch/10008

If you’re employed, check whether your employer offers an Employee Assistance Programme and what help you might be entitled to under this scheme.

This guide from Mind also offers suggestions on where to start when seeking help with your mental health: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/seeking-help-for-a-mental-health-problem/where-to-start/

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