Hi Kate,
We all seem to be ill.Helen has been in bed I’ll too. It’s the first time I have felt really not well other than with grief. Got up tonight but felt so weak. Couldn’t do much except lay on the settee. Watched a programme about Dubai that Glyn had filmed so that was good and interesting. He must have had a wonderful time out there but came home half way through to be with mum. The programme was all about Welsh people who have settled in Dubai and Glyn filmed them working in their different workplaces. And his name was on the credits so I was super proud.
I think I am going to have to go to the doctor because everything I have taken hasn’t worked .
I feel so down at the moment. Can’t get any enthusiasm to do anything. Just feel sad all the time. I feel and look miserable.
I think that I am already starting to worry about the first anniversary.Its a while yet so I need to stop and worry when the time comes.Its do hard to do though. I am dreading everything about the winter bec I have vivid memories of dark nights and mornings wet frosty weather when the carers came to mum’s house,wearing thick jumpers etc.
The other day at mum’s I opened a draw in the room I slept in and found the clothes I wore when I stayed there for the three months and it brought everything flooding back. My leggings and long black jumper when I stayed at the hospital ,my toilet bag with basic things to get by every morning, different tops so that mum would see me in something different.I threw them all out.Every Dingle item. I just couldn’t put myself through wearing them again as the horrible memories would come straight back. Felt liberating in a way but I also felt so sad.
Kate you have a very busy time ahead.What an exciting job you have. Mine was if I went on a school trip lol.
Helen hope you feel a bit better tonight. Rest tom if you can and really get over it.
Jules how’s your lovely school life going? Hectic I guess.
Keep going girls and let’s get better to face the next few months.
Kate will you be coming over to UK again or will you leave the house sale in the hands of the estate agent?
We need to think about our next meet up .Maybe get our first anniversaries over with then we will have something to look forward to.
Love Deborah x
Hi Girls
How are you? Feeling any better Deborah and Helen?
I feel quite run down too still. Not at all in the mood for the corporate event tomorrow. My job’s not that exciting Deborah, all these celebrations are just a one off. Anyhow I’ll put on my glad rags and war paint tomorrow lol and let you know how it goes.
I’m probably not going back to Gloucester for the house as I signed documents in advance with the solicitor whilst I was over. It’s slow going house wise, apparently it’s a buyer’s market and very saturated atm. I’ll wait.
There is a Man U match on 8th December which is a bank holiday here that we could go to but it would be less than 48 hours in Manchester. That could be my next trip back if they got tickets (we met a guy on the plane back but that’s another story).
I’m just feeling anyhow with the anniversary coming up. As it’s a bank holiday I’m thinking of going and getting my hair done, going to buy fresh flowers at the market for mum, maybe a lunch or drink I don’t know. I just don’t want to turn it into a morbid day but I guess I’ll see.
You must be very proud of Glynn Deborah, now he does have an exciting job and a promising future… He’s done so much already… great!
I went to the first meeting at Alex’s new school this evening. Fingers crossed he’ll be happy there. The teachers seemed really nice. He’s growing up so fast…
Hope your new school job is going well Jules. I bet it’s been a busy start.
Anyhow ladies hope you are all feeling a bit better.
Sending hugs to you all.
K xxxx
Aww Kate I am sending you are feeling a bit down. Do whatever you have to do and just get through it. You have been through so much and it’s taken its toll on you.
Great that Alex has lovely teachers that you can relate to.Makes the world of difference.Alex will settle in well just wait to see.He is such a lovely boy he will have lots of friends.
Am still the same.Think i have COVID but I don’t have any tests here .Have ordered some so they should arrive tom. Am staying in bed out of the way of everyone. If I have got it then goodness knows where I got it from as haven’t been in contact with anyone except Paul and Glyn.Am sure I have though as it’s a certain tickly cough like no other and just like I had before when I had COVID.
Helen how are you today? Think you said you had the day off today so hope you rested.
Goodnight girls will catch up with you Tom X
Deborah x
Morning Girls,
Just done a COVID test and it’s negative.Did two just to be sure. So I don’t know what’s going on.Feel worse today.Cant stop coughing which is wearing me out.
Feel too weak to get up. Missed the time slot to phone the surgery as there is only half an hour to go so every morning. The line was engaged the entire time then after I finally got through all appointments for telephone call backs had gone for today. Can’t book for tom.Havecto try phoning again tom so I doubt I will through again. Can’t walk into the surgery either to book as they say phone in the morning.
Anyway have got lots of things to take so am dosing myself up.
Hope everyone is ok
Helen are you better
Speak again soon
Deborah x
Hi girls, sorry it’s been all quiet on the Helen front! I’ve been so bad with a migraine. I checked your messages but it was hurting my head looking at the screen so had to stop. The migraine is gone but my anxiety is back! Hence why I’m on here at 10 to 4 in the morning with a brew and having just scoffed 2 jam tarts!! I made an error at work, it was really nothing. Basically, I used the wrong swab for a sample and the lab rejected it. The worst thing that’s happened is the patient will have to redo the simple, non-urgent swab. I’ve been tossing and turning thinking ‘I’m not good enough, I can’t even do my job anymore, everyone will think I’m useless…blah blah.’ You get the picture. 
Can’t believe how bothered I am by such an insignificant event. I mean, my mum died 8 months ago and I’m having a sleepless night about a swab sample?!! I know it’s the grief coming out as anxiety and irrational thoughts. I haven’t cried properly for a while now so maybe this is the release. I think I’d prefer a good old cry to this. All theses different paths our grief takes us on and we have very little control of it.
Kate, lovely to hear from you. I know how difficult it is to get in the spirit of a party. I went to that one the other week and only stayed for 2 hours. I’d had enough by then. It’s so hard and for you as this time of year is bringing all those feelings to the surface as the 1year mark approaches. I feel for you love. I’m sure Alex will love his new school. They are more ready for it than us mums! 
A few big changes for you in a short space of time.
Sorry you’re still rough Deborah. There seems to be loads going round at the moment. What a pain to just try and see a GP. It’s really bad. Glad you’re still chipping away at the sorting and Paul cracking on with the paving. It will be worth it. I know what you mean about the clothes. I had a new winter coat just before mum took ill. I wore it a lot during that terrible time of mum’s rapid decline. I saw it in the cupboard recently and it made me shudder. Just seeing it brought up all those emotions of fear, worry and despair. I’ll have to get rid of it.
Jules, I do hope the new job is going well. I’m looking forward to the change for me too. Soon hopefully.
Anyway, I’m going back to bed now to see if I can get some sleep. Luckily I’m not working tomorrow or I’d be knackered 
night-night girls and lots of love and get well wishes. Hxxx
Hi Girls,
Can’t sleep as have had another awful night if coughing. Glyn wanted to take me to A and E but the thought of sitting there for up to 12 hrs was too much. I could never have sat there having coughing bouts all that time. I feel so weak I just want to stay in bed. I know that when they wake up they will be nagging me to go again.
Helen don’t beat yourself up anymore about the swab.You have worried enough about it.I can understand you have got yourself into a state about it but there’s nothing you can do about it now so chin up and do whatever you have to do now. It’s only natural to think the way you feel. I would also. But don’t torture yourself any more Let it go and head up and move on. I made many mistakes during my career and at the time I was like in getting myself into the most awful state but it got me nowhere except tearing my own wellbeing up.
Do other people in your work need to know what’s happened? Can you just phone the patient to ask them to return? Tell people in work as little as possible about how you are feeling.
Life is throwing everything at us at the moment girls in all sorts of different ways. Anniversaries looming,new starts like Jules’s new job and Kate sorting Alex out for a new school etc. We are going to crash at the smallest silliest unexpected things and times until I think about next Feb when we are all through the firsts. It’s going to be tough but we will help each other somehow.
I have never been so I’ll as this week and I think it’s because I feel so low anyway that something like swollen glands and a chest infection has magnified and is ten times worse than ever. I am also seeing this as the start of my anxious time in the lead up to Xmas .I have never suffered with anxiety or depression but I can feel my mood changing and have even started dreading the shops having Xmas things and seeing adverts on TV. All this is bound to happen soon. I am honestly going to take control this year and am stopping buying for lots of people. Many people I bought for were through mum anyway eg her neighbours, friends or distant cousins. Now is the time to stop. I am going to not watch adverts on TV and get vouchers for Paul and Glyn. Its for one day so I am going to realise that. I shall go to church Christmas Eve then treat the day like a Sunday lunch day with extras. All done and dusted. It would be so different if Glyn was younger then of course I would have to do so much more.
Helen I am so glad you have the day off tomorrow to get yourself stronger. Will check on you tom or today rather.Its 6 40am and I have been awake all night with coughing attacks so am wrecked.
Another day today girls.Keep going.
Deborah x
Oh Deborah, are you feeling any better? Sounds like you’re really going through it? You definitely need to see a doctor. Have you got a temperature?
I’ve just been out with Tom and had a right good moan. Feeling better myself, for now. Hope you start to improve soon. Feel for you.
Hope you are feeling better too Kate. Xx
Lots of love H xxx
Hiya,
Been to a and e tonight. Got thyroid problems which have started a goitre. I have been monitored for thyroid for over 4 yes can you believe by GP. Hosp couldn’t believe I haven’t been put on tablets for it .So now things have got worse and I have the beginnings of a goitre. I can feel the swelling on the side of my neck and a little in the front .Anyway I have to speak to my GP about being put on the medication for an under active thyroid so shall try getting an appointment on Monday morning. I explained to the hosp that I can’t get an appointment as I only have half an hour to phone then when I do manage to wait in the queue and eventually speak to the receptionist all the appointments have gone. They said it was difficult to get appointments that’s all.Anyway if I can’t get an appointment on Mon I shall have to go back to a and e. Feel awful. Feel as though I am checking when I eat something so am just going to have liquids til mon .Helen do you know if the medication works in getting rid of the goitre.
I am just so upset about all this because it’s just telephone appointments and I really need to be seen by a doctor. Haven’t even been seen once in the past four yrs for this problem.
Just feel do down with everything but at least I know why I have been so shattered.
Helen I can just see you now having a good old moan lol.
Am off to try to sleep even though I know I will be awake with this all night again
Deborah x
Oh Deborah, so sorry you have this to deal with on top of everything. I’m no expert on thyroid but my understanding is it depends on the cause of the goiter. If the issue is an underlying problem such as hypothyroidism then I think the medication will sort it. Depends on the size of it too. I would have to read up on it. You really should have been monitored to prevent this. At least annual bloods. It is very poor that you are struggling to see a GP! I think you might have to get stroppy with them Deborah and insist on seeing a GP face-to-face. You can see why A&E is so full!! 
Grief itself is exhausting but with this on top. No wonder you’ve not been able to function. We need to get our physical health as good as possible to be able to deal with the mental health issues of grief we are going through. I do hope you get sorted ASAP. Sending you lots of love. Hxxx
Hiya Girls
Oh Deborah I feel for you!
I too have hypothyroidism. Mine was picked up by a routine blood test in 2014. I was subclincal ie borderline at the time. It’s been kept in check by taking 50mg of Eutirox and I get a blood test to check my TSH once a year. Had that a few weeks ago. I think you will need to get the meds into yr system then the goitre goes down. I can imagine how unwell you feel. Keep strong lovely. Thyroid problems can cause a lot of symptoms, it’s strange your Gp didn’t pick it up if you’d been monitored.
I managed to sleep wonderfully last night as the night of the party we got in at 3,30 I was in bed at 4 and up at 6.30 for Alex’s first day at school!!! We were shattered yesterday but still went into Bologna to see the modern art museum!! The gala evening was awesome and so beautiful in a historic palace in the centre of Bologna. A famous Italian singer and pianist performed for us in the nearby cathedral. It was beautiful : the music, lighting, candles, atmosphere. I felt so emotional in the cathedral in that context and felt mum’s presence really near. I’ll attach a pic. Then an amazing meal and music drinks etc into the small hours. Paid the price yesterday though lol. Thank goodness we had the day off!!
Helen hope you are feeling better. Migraines are the worst and often bought on by stress aren’t they? Don’t beat your self up about the swab. Mistakes happen, we are all human and nobody was harmed by it so go easy on yourself. I too have been feeling anxious recently and not sleeping well at all. Have gone back to the melatonin gummies some nights to help me go into a deep sleep.
I’m still struggling with this moment in time and the constant thoughts about this time last year and flashbacks and intrusive thoughts. I just feel really run down and burnt out. Every time I see an elderly mum out with her daughter I just feel so sad and envious I guess.
Anyhow Deborah keep us posted. We all need to go easy on ourselves. We have been through the worst ever year of our lives and I guess it’s taking it’s toll on us both mentally and physically.
Stay strong lovelies we will get there!!
Love Kxxxx
Hi Girls,
Just a quick update as I feel so ill. Thanks Helen for last night texting me about thyroids.
Well in the middle of the night I was even worse and had the most horrendous coughing fits and could hardly function with the pain in my throat
On top of that I strained my ribs so was in pain just coughing a little bit. So I went back to the hosp A and E at 4 am this morn. As you can imagine a long wait. Eventually got through the Triad system and at 1 pm had the results of the blood test All ok. The doctors today said they couldn’t get involved with the thyroid prob as I needed to see my GP. But in their opinion it wasn’t a goitre .Said they felt it was an infection of the lymph glands on one side of my neck .Have been given tablets to take 8 steroids each day for 3 days.Only taken 2 so far and already they are making me feel sick.
Helen as you are the doctor if the Fab Four please tell me they will do the trick They are called Prednisolone.
My thyroid prob was first diagnosed 4 years ago by oncology monitoring and as it has been going up and down they have still been monitoring me.
When I heard the news about mum my thyroid went sky high then when I got her home it went down again only to rise again after she passed.So they have been waiting to see if it settles I guess.
They asked me today what were the symptoms of thyroid that I had had. So I said hair falling out, feeling exhausted all the time low mood etc .Then I was asked did I feel depressed. Million dollar question! I told them my mum has recently passed away and I would be grief depressed for the rest of my life.Anyway cutting a long story short I am taking these tablets for three days, have to have a liquid diet for next few days, sleep sitting up and rest. On Mon A an E said to be firmer with the GP and say I want my thyroid examined as I have never had that done in 4 years as all appointments are over the phone. Also I have to ring oncology for the latest results as I still haven’t had their phone call.
I can honestly say going back into the hosp yesterday and today freaked me out I was petrified they would slap a DN R on me that’s how paranoid I have got about hospitals.
But the most important thing about all this is I have truly realised how we must look after ourselves.I honestly thought I was an Ox and that I would never get ill again. I am going to get over this then spent a hell of a lot of time looking after myself which is something I never do. Mum would be so upset to hear I had been to the hosp so I owe it to her to look after myself more.
Sorry girls I am a bit down as I feel so tired and can’t see any light out of this pain at the moment.
Kate I loved the photo. I will read the post again but it sounds amazing.I honestly thought you were going to say Andrea Boccelli was singing.OMG I would walk all the way to Italy to see him in concert. In fact that’s given me an idea That would be do so good for my wellbeing lol.
Am off to rest now so will catch up with you tom.
Thanks girls for thinking of me
Deborah xxxxx
Hi,
Well Kate what happened with the rugby today lol.
Deborah x
Hi Ladies
Deborah how was the night? I’m glad it’s not a goitre. The antibiotics should kick in and help with the coughing and the steroids will open up the airways. You should start to feel better soon. It’s miserable feeling poorly when we are already feeling so run down isn’t it? Keep us posted.
I seem to dream a lot about mum recently but I can’t always remember them in the morning. I guess it’s the time of year or maybe she’s trying to visit me to reassure me everything will be ok. I don’t know.
We all also thought Bocelli would be the mystery guest at the cathedral as our sister Company had him to sing at their big celebration bash a few years back. Also mum loved him too.
I don’t know what happened with the rugby… I haven’t been following the World Cup as it’s bad enough with all the constant footie in this house!!
Have a good Sunday girls. I’m going out for a walk to clear my head. Speak later. K xxxx
Hi girls, what a nightmare for you Deborah! Having to wait all that time just to get triaged?! It makes be sad what is happening to our NHS Like Kate said, the antibiotics should deal with the infection and the steroids will reduce the swelling. Is it the antibiotics making you feel sick? If they are strong they kill lots of good gut bacteria too, hence why people feel sickly on them. You could try probiotic drinks or yoghurt? Are you on a reducing dose of prednisolone? When your throat swells it’s like you’re being strangled. Awful feeling. Yes we do need to look after ourselves.
Kate, I bet you feel tired after all the celebrations! The cathedral looked beautiful all lit up. I love these buildings. I could spend hours in them. Do you get comfort from the dreams about your mum? It must be at the forefront of your mind constantly with the one year anniversary looming. I don’t know how I’ll feel in January. I will probably start going over what happened a year ago from Boxing Day when mum went to A&E. I just want this first year done with.
It was my sisters hen do today and mum was missed dreadfully. We went through the motions and had a nice time but a huge absence. Not sure how we will feel at the wedding next week. Just crap without mum. But, live we must. 
We are watching the rugby but don’t fully understand the rules. Mum liked rugby but she’s not here to explain it! It’s enjoyable nonetheless.
Off to bed soon as a very busy week ahead. Wishing you all a better week. Lots of love girls Hxxx
Hi Girls,
Just a quickie to say the steroids have started working and the swelling is coming down and not so painful. Managed to sleep this afternoon for a few hours for the first time in days.
Going to try phoning the GP tom morn again. And also oncology
Kate forget the rugby lol lol lol. I was so ill i thought Wales were playing Italy then Paul told me it was Portugal so we laughed and laughed when i told him i had posted asking you what happened to Italy. Oh my God what a state I was in but hey glad they won whoever they played.
Lets have a better week girls.
Deborah x
Hi Girls,
Tried all morning to get an appointment but couldn’t. Rang dead on 8.30am when the phones opened and was still number 38 in the queue at 9,30am when the usual phone message comes along to say all appointments have been taken and to ring back again tom. I have just emailed the surgery to explain my situation re needing more steroids as last day today etc. Just had an email back saying they will respond by Thurs so I give up.
I will take and finish my steroids for today and try again in the morning.
I am trying to keep positive because i appreciate how busy they are and I am sure there are loads of emails to respond to but I dont want to end up sitting in A and E again for hours on end.
Aww well maybe they will read my email and phone today
Wil let you know later.
How’s everyone doing today ?
Deborah x
Deborah… how bloody annoying the system is over there!! I remember mum in the same boat having to call dead on 8,30 and then being on hold for forever and then not getting an appointment !! It’s ridiculous!!! I have to say that here it’s so much easier to get appointments and the doctors and paediatricians normally call you right back, use WhatsApp for prescriptions, quick questions etc and are just more generally on the ball!!
One instance where Italians do it better than Uk!! Anyhow I’m so glad you are feeling better.
Hope we all have a better week girls!!
Love K xxxx
Hiya Kate,
Totally agree ! I am so lucky I went to A and E Saturday as otherwise it would have been a different story. I have never been so ill since the time I had my cancer op and that’s saying something.
Just got to wait now until they get back to me but on the positive my email has gone through and i am sure at some point they will respond.
How is your mood kate ? Hope you feel slightly better but I know you have a big first coming soon and that’s a massive one. We will help you so be prepared for messages galore !
Just wanted to tell you girls that other people on here have messaged me to say how lovely our friendships are. Isn’t that just lovely. We must be doing something good . I like to think that mums passing is helping me reach out to people and we have certainly reached out to each other and should be so proud of how far we have come in under a year. I started reading my old posts and cried because I didnt realise how grief has resulted in me turning into a totally different person that I honestly didnt recognise. Am so grateful to you all for helping me.
Kate are you working today? Helen how’s it all going with you ? Jules are you bogged down with self evaluation, target setting , assessments and monitoring yet lol ? Only teasing! Just hope you have settled in more and are enjoying it. Just watch over the next few months how your heels get flatter and flatter lol
Keep going girls.
Deborah x
Hi Girls,
Yes Deborah I was working from home alone today for the first time in ages as Alex is back at school. Had a good cry and sat talking and apologising to Mum about all the signs I may have missed and even things she said which I didn’t pick up on. Now in hindsight things seem so black and white. It is so difficult reliving this time last year. We were sat watching the queen’s funeral … mum loved that. Little did we know.
As Helen said, I want to get this first year and the full cycle of firsts out of the way, maybe things will be a bit easier afterwards. I hope so.
Hope you are all ok, dare I say that my cold seems better at last? Have you had any reply from the GP Deborah?
Alex and Valerio have gone to Verona for the Verona Bologna football match.
Anyhow I’ll say good night for now.
Hugs to you all.
K xxxx