Extreme anger ruining my relationship

Mum came out of hospital with cancer and we were led to believe she had a few more months to be with us for xmas day and in to March. However, mum died two days after being discharged on the 18th to go home. She died in the early hours on the 20th. It was me that tried to wake her but discovered she died. This was so traumatic and such a shock for me. I spent the first six days after recovering from norovirus too. Then had to sort mums affairs as she left no will and has no estate. I also have to arrange the funeral and clearance of mums home and phone all he necessary organisations . She isnt local and it’s a three hour train ride. I am in bits everyday. The worst thing is the rage I feel. My partner was great when mum first died but since my negative emotions have surfaced he’s just kept his distance and not offered any real support - not even hugs or comfort. That makes me feel just more angry and isolated. I moved to be with him as we had a long distance relationship and I could move my job, but I dont know anyone here. Not even his family enough to be around them on my own. My main worry is my anger. Its spinning out of control. Hes starting sleeping in spare room last night as said my grief is affecting his mental health and has to have space from me. I asked how long sleeping in the spare room? He said dunno. I feel insecure after losing mum now I see sleeping in separate beds as beginning of the end. I told him this but he wouldnt offer any kind words or reassurance to me. I just saw it as the beginning of our relationship declining. I lost it and started shouting and he slammed door in my face so I hammered on the door so hard I hurt my hand. I threatened to call his mum to arrange for him to stay with her if he needs space away from me and he said he’d smash up my phone. He tried to forcibly grab it. I’m scared because I’m not usually angry or aggressive. I feel I’m falling apart. I moved in with my partner and I moved into a joint rented home just four weeks before mum died so we had no time to enjoy it and it’s even worse now because of me and my grief and all the intense feelings. I’m so ashamed of banging on the door like a mad woman aggressively, shouting and threatening to call his mum. I’m arranging counselling but fear he’ll not forgive my terrible outburst and we are over. This is not normal behaviour for me i do also feel I’m in perimenopause which my old gp woulnt help with but can also drive the anxiety and anger. But it’s much worse since mum passed. I called our employee assistance about counselling and will call GP tmmw. Please has anyone been through this?

hi Dollparts
very sorry you lost your mum.and its affecting your whole life,even though like everyone on here im grieving the loss of a loved one.im not really in a position to know how you in your situation are really feeling,ive posted more to show that there are people here that are going through or have been through what your going through.and you are not being ignored ,you will get support and advised from quite a few members who will know how you are feeling and maybe guide you in a way that im unable to.sorry that i personally are of no real help ,just wish I could reassure you and give you all you need to help you.
regards ian

… if he loves you he will understand it is your loss, your grieving process that is causing you to act this way, nothing more, nothing less…i can’t foresee how this will pan out for the pair of you but if the two of you survive this you will have gotten yourself " a good man…" and a good man is worth his weight in gold…just ask anyone of us ladies who are grieving the loss of our partner-our hubby, the same can be said for our menfolk who are grieving the loss of their partner-their wife…


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I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your mum and how it is affecting your relationship with your partner. Anger can be a common response to grief, but obviously it becomes a problem when it starts to cause aggression or relationship issues. It does also sound as lack of support from your partner has added to the problem - grief is a long process and you will continue to need support and comfort for a long time, not just immediately after your loss.

It sounds as though you are feeling very isolated, particularly due to having moved to a new area, and you could really do with some support and someone to talk to. I’m glad that you’ve found this site and I hope that it helps even a little bit to write things down here. You are among people who understand here.

I have found some other posts where people have written about struggling with anger - you might find it helpful to look at these to see what other people’s experiences have been. Some of these are older posts, so the posters might not be active on the site any more, but if you do feel like replying, they would normally get a notification and might return.

Loss and anger
Feeling angry and pointless

You might also want to consider whether you would benefit from some counselling. Counselling can’t take away your loss, but it can help you deal with your anger and address your relationship problems. Your GP is a good starting point for accessing counselling.

Relate can also offer support with relationship problems.

Dollparts, maybe your partner is the type of person who cannot cope with death or maybe the loss of your mum has caused him some heartbreak. Our grandson cannot cope with his grandad’s death, we are forbidden to mention Stan, people react in so many different ways, our grandson is not a child he is 30 years old.

Priscilla et also,

thank you all so much. The threads really helped, especially the one containing the link on the all about anger article. I realise that opening up and talking more about my feelings helps. I’m waiting for an appr with counsellor which I know will help


I’m so glad you found it helpful, and that you have booked an appointment with a counsellor. Yes, it’s very important to find outlets for your feelings, as bottling them up can definitely cause problems.

My sister spoke to my partner about my feelings and he has been much better. I have opened up more about my feelings to him. My sister has also been really supportive as well as my close friends. My GP prescribed some sedatives for a few days to ease my extreme anxiety which has given me some respite and I’m starting counselling soon. I dont know what the future holds but im trying to just focus on each day as it comes. Thanks all for your kind words x