I was just thinking that Kate, sums it up perfectly 
x
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its great to see every body trying to work together to resolve the issues brought up on this thread and hopefully harmony will prevail.
its just a real pity we cannot cope with our grief in the same way.
some one any one can you please help us all find ways to get through each day and every day. without feeling like every think else in the world is moving on and most of us are swimming against the tide,barely treading water.
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Hello everyone,
I’ve been reading through the discussions in this conversation and I just wanted to check in. Our community guidelines do ask that replies are relevant and useful, though we do of course understand that all conversations will move around and change direction organically. Everyone grieves very differently and has different experiences and points of view, so it’s important to be kind and respectful to one another and to yourselves.
If anyone would like to start up a new conversation or would prefer to talk privately with another member, then there are ways to do that. Within this community you can send private messages to a single person or a group, which can be helpful if you’d like to have a conversation away from the public forum. There’s more information about how to send messages here: How do I send a private message?
Similarly anyone can spark up a new conversation at any time, if they have a question, are looking for advice, or just want to share how they’re feeling. If you’re not sure how to do this there’s some more information here: How do I start a new conversation?
Thank you all for your understanding and support. We can be contacted by email at online.community@sueryder.org if anyone has any questions.
Take care,
Eleanor
Hi Eleanor,
Thanks for your reply.
I don’t think anyone did anything wrong or broke any Community Guidelines. I don’t think this forum will work if everyone has to always worry that their post might have “hiajcked” a thread. This forum can only work if we are able to come here and express our grief openly and without being judged. It’s all about the flow and feeling at ease, people shouldn’t have to be thinking each time they post “will someone feel I have taken over their tread, do I need to start a new thread”, because for some people even starting a new thread can be daunting - it took me more than two weeks before I was first able to post on this site.
As for Private Messages, or Group Chats, most people will probably want to avoid those. Everyone here is grieving, if you post about your grief in a private message to someone, you almost feel guilty that you’re dumping your problems onto someone who has their own problems, whereas when you post publicly, you don’t feel this. Also, by posting publicly you feel as if you’re able to share your grief with the world, and then of course, you might get new people replying to you about your grief and offering you comfort, which you wouldn’t get if you were talking about your grief privately with only a few people. And then of course, talking about your grief in public can also help others who read it - I am currently reading a thread on “Missing Mum” where three women, Rachel, Helen and Beans, are all having a discussion about their life after losing their mums. It is benefitting me, and hopefully others too, as we read about their experiences and how they are trying to cope - we would miss out on this if they kept their chat to private.
Maybe it would be a good idea to have a section on “How to get responses”, and then in this section you could mention that a thread will often end up with multiple conversations, and if you want people to reply to your post, then it might be a good idea to start a new thread. In this way, everyone can hopefully get what they want without anyone feeling upset.
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Hello everyone,
I have split some of the posts in this conversation off into two new topics here and here.
Our community guidelines do ask everyone to be supportive and respectful, and this can include respecting the wishes of others to stay on topic in a thread they have started. Obviously, we understand that conversations do wander naturally, and that’s usually fine. But the original poster in the conversation had specifically asked for people not to do this, and people are now ignoring her stated request for support. There has also been a lot of light-hearted chat, which is not appropriate on a thread where a newly bereaved person is asking for help.
Since there have been such major digressions in topic and tone, it’s better that we separate things out so that everyone can focus more easily on what they want to talk about.
I would ask that any further posts about this subject be kept out of this particular conversation thread.
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Hello John’s wife
I am a bit late joining this post . I don’t come on here very often but every so often I get an email with the most recent posts and I saw yours and it resonated with me because my husband Mark died suddenly almost 2 years ago now following a sudden cardiac arrest at home one morning after getting up to go to work . He was 60 . He had not been ill either . The day before he had exercised in his shed . Five hundred rows on his rowing machine . We have a business …a garage . He had worked then had food outside on the patio with me and our youngest daughter . When he went to bed that night he had plans for the next day . When he woke up in the morning and we spoke we had plans . A couple of steps later from bed to bathroom and his life was virtually over despite paramedics , CPR by me and one of his employees I had called for help, air ambulance doctors , followed by stents and 3 days in ICU where he suffered daily further arrests and the preliminary brain scan indicated he had suffered brain damage from the initial collapse .
Now to you . You have had a tremendous shock . The shock affected me physically even though I was not aware that it had . I had a massive panic attack weeks later out of the blue and also a really frightening attack of vertigo . By 4 months I was crying non stop some days despite trying to run the business so I asked for help and started bereavement counselling at the hospital where my husband died . I saw the counsellor once a moth for 18 months . And also had a course of EMDR to help with flashbacks . It was a painful process going through what happened that morning in detail again but less painful than recurring flashbacks and the process worked . I have read lots on grief . I walk my dogs a lot . I have joined in every family event . Some days I still come home and sit on my bench outside and cry . I hate crying but crying is the only option sometimes when I feel overwhelmed. I posted on here a lot in the beginning but then grew out of it . In the beginning it helped tremendously to get my thoughts out and share with others but not so much so towards the end so I stopped . I take what I need and move on . Sounds selfish but your number one job now is to take care of yourself . I hate not having a physical relationship with my husband but I feel a strong bond with him . His energy is everywhere . In the house , in our business …in me . How could it not be ? Your husband’s energy is there . He is there . You just have to find it . Look for signs . I do .
I feel like you might think that I am a bit whacky but I I feel my relationship continues with him through signs in nature and the lyrics of songs that happen just at the right moment .
More recently during lockdown I came across a site on Facebook by someone called Tom Zuba a new way to do grief . Google him . His 18 month old daughter, 43 year old wife and 13 year old son have all died in the past 30 years . He has a book called Permission to mourn . Maybe get it and see if parts of it help . There is also a good book called the A2Z healing toolbox I think by someone called Susan Hannifan Macnab I think which goes through all sorts of stuff you can try to help yourself on this emotional rollercoaster journey of grief . Her husband went out for a drive and was found dead 2 weeks later having crashed in the mountains and gone down a ravine . She was left as a young mother with a five year old son .
Life will be different for you from now on . It is for everyone whose loved one dies whatever the circumstances. You may have trauma as well as grief because of the sudden nature of John’s death . Please ask for help. I did . It is hard work to keep going but you will do it and you will find little bits of joy along the way . Never forget that it is love that is at the root of grief and your love for each other continues .
I hold this post helps in some small way
Sending hugs and understanding
Romy xxxxx
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Romy thank you so much for taking the time to post. You have given me good advice and things to watch out for. Your story is so like mine although John died instantly. With the virus I am thankful he didn’t get taken to hospital alone. I wasn’t going to post on the forum again but I must do so to thank you. X
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What a lovely post Romy. I will have a look at the books you mentioned to see if they can help me.
Johnswife, you must keep posting and if it goes off topic just start a new thread.
It’s 9 weeks today since my wife died suddenly. At the beginning I was in complete shock and somehow struggled through, including the funeral, without excessive emotion. Plenty tears of course but I had some control. It would have been our 56th anniversary ten days ago and ever since then I have lost the small amount of control I had and I’m now an emotional wreck.
I’m only telling you this in case something similar happens to you, although everybody is different. This grieving business is very fickle and unpredictable which makes giving advice very difficult, but take all the help you can get. x AL
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xxxxxxx:heart:
xxxxxxx:heart:
Thank you. I agree so much to organise in the first couple of weeks and then the funeral. I have found that when I really start crying I end up screaming and yesterday cried so hard I was sick. At other times I am quite calm and spend a lot of time talking to his picture. I don’t feel he is around me which is something I wish would happen. It is so final with no coming back even for a moment. I can’t imagine any sort of life without him but the body carries on even when the heart is broken. You had a long and happy marriage we had 40 years. I suppose we must carry on for their sake. They would hate to see us so heartbroken. Take care Al. x
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Romy I have had a message from Sue Ryder offering me some counselling from next week. I will grab that and hope it can help me. I love your words “Love is the root of grief and your love for each other continues”. I will hold onto that as I always said to John love never dies. Hugs to you xx
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hi Johnswife
I talk to Jaynes picture and several others find comfort in doing this.
I didn’t think Jayne was around me,but the eulogy I wrote for the life of me I couldn’t put my feeling or emotions into words,i slept,and everything I needed to say came to me.
I feel im responding to people with Jayne in my heart,i wasn’t as caring or sensitive before so im believing my baby Jayne is withme guiding me.
I can only say that things ive done especially in the last few months were because Jayne is in my heart.sorry for rambling on and repeating myself.
but dont look to hard things you do may be guided by your soulmate John.sorry if I cause any offence im just speaking from my heart.
regards ian
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Not rambling at all Ian and certainly no offence taken. I really appreciate the support you have given me in the past few days. I am so happy for you that you feel Jayne is in your heart and guiding you. John is definitely in my heart but I just can’t feel him around me at all. I always used to navigate when we were on our travels so maybe he can’t find me. He used to have bad dreams in which he had lost me somewhere away from home. We relied on each other for everything. Writing the eulogy was very difficult for me as well. Who would ever imagine we would have to do that for our darling!
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ive actually posted my eulogy on one of my topics.i could barely read the first few words without crying ,and it was a struggle putting those words down.
hopefully you will in some way feel Johns presence in some way or other.
just carry on finding ways to get through these days and hope this place and some members will give you a bit of comfort and support.
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Hi Ian, I also feel that I have become more sensitive and caring because she was that type of person and she must be guiding me. I hope she is?
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yes ,and its at least a sign they are with us and in some way quite comforting to believe thats happening.
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Don’t worry about not yet feeling him around you. It’s far too early in the process but don’t give up hope because he will come to you in time. It might take him a little time to learn how to navigate!
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