We’re all grieving together, love to all x
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Exactly Samella, the last thing we need is someone making us feel worse than we already do so ignore any negativity 
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Thankyou to you all for your kindness shown,
I am off to bed and hopefully a brighter day for us all tomorrow.
Night Night Love is o you all xx
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It is quite sad that there seems to be a disagreement here.
Whenever I respond to someone’s post, I always try and make sure that the focus is on the other person who needs help. However, people are different, and we are all grieving here, and when some people respond, the majority or sometimes even entrirety of their post is about their own grief. I don’t think such people should be made to feel bad about their post - they are in pain, and responding to someone’s grief by expressing their own grief helps them cope with their pain. Furthermore, for many people here, hearing that someone else’s grief is similar to theirs gives them some comfort that they are not alone in what they’re experiencing, so whilst johnswife might not get much help from someone responding to her post by talking about their own grief, other posters might actually appreciate a response where someone talks about themselves.
At the end of the day, we are surely all here to just help one another, so a bit more tolerance would be good.
And @johnswife, it would probably be a good idea if you create a new thread every few days if you would like people to respond directly to you, because people tend to read new threads more than threads which have more than a hundred posts on it already.
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Just like to say my goodbyes to all that have responding to my posts,but I came on here like all us to listen to others and try and help and seek some comfort as well.
When there is unrest none of us need this we have enough on our plates…
Wish you all the very best and hope you all find some comfort on here as I used to.
All,take Care.
Hi Samella,
I think it’s really sad if you leave the forum. Perhaps start a new thread of your own and a conversation to which those who wish to respond can.
Noone should feel excluded from what is essentially a public forum. It’s not exclusive. You joined like all of us hoping to find comfort and support and hopefully at times to be able to offer the same to others.
Our grief has left many of us isolated in the real world and our virtual friends have been a lifeline. Don’t give up. We all need each other.
Take care x
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Hi samella,
I totally agree with Barbara, we all need each other,
don’t let it put you off, it can be a life line and does help so much,
Steph x
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Thank you you expressed my feelings exactly. I will look for help elsewhere. Take care.
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Hi johnswife,
As I said to Samella this site is open to everyone who wishes to use it and that includes you. If you start a new thread you will receive responses perhaps more relevant to your particular situation and what support you are looking for. I don’t think anyone was ignoring your original post in any way whatsoever. The pain of sudden loss is indescribable and requires empathy and understanding to get through each day. In real life that is often impossible to find but a site like this, although not able to offer the quick fix we all crave, can offer snippets of comfort throughout the day. Often it comes from sites seemingly unrelated to our own predicament. For example when I read posts from younger people who have lost a parent it has given me a different perspective on my own grief. I frequently feel like giving up on life but when I read the effect that it could have on my sons I then see it from their point of view. I rarely respond to such posts but I do take them to heart.
Don’t give up on this site when you are in the early stages of deep shock and grief. It might not offer everything but it will offer something.
There will be someone on here to whom you will relate in the way you are hoping.
Take care
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I can only reiterate what Jobar has said. To anyone thinking of leaving the forum, please don’t. These little spats happen occasionally and then they blow over. That’s all they are - little spats. We need to grasp any little comfort we can get. I know I have found great comfort from this site. It has had me crying one minute and laughing the next (thanks V). As Jobar quite rightly mentions, ‘it might not offer everything but it will offer something’. Great words Jobar - thank you.
Hugs to all. xx
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Hi Johnswife,
As @Jobar and @Crazy_Kate have said, please do not leave. No one needs to leave.
We are all grieving here, and we care for you like we care for others.
Maybe you need to think of this forum as a large room where there is going to be a meeting. Originally you’re the only person in the room. The first person to walk in will talk to you as you’re the only person there. The second person to walk in is likely to talk to you too, however, after some time, there are now quite a few people in the room. Now when someone walks in, instead of talking to you, they might talk to the first person they saw, or they might see someone they know and go and talk to them. And so you have multiple conversations now going on in the room. No one is being rude to you or ignoring you, they might leave their conversation and talk to you if they hear you say something and they feel they can contribute, but if not, they might just carry on with their conversation.
That’s just how this forum works. You did actually get fifteen people reply directly to you - that is a lot. When I posted about my brilliant dad, I got only two replies. I am currently talking to a guy here who lost both his parents by the age of 21 and is now 59 and has struggled all his life, and no one else is responding to him. It’s sad, but it’s just the way these forums are, it can be hit and miss, if you feel you’re not getting the replies you might want to create a new thread and hopefully people will reply there, and you then keep repeating this process.
All the best.
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That’s a great analogy Abdullah. Thank you. It’s a brilliant explanation. xx
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I was just thinking that Kate, sums it up perfectly 
x
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its great to see every body trying to work together to resolve the issues brought up on this thread and hopefully harmony will prevail.
its just a real pity we cannot cope with our grief in the same way.
some one any one can you please help us all find ways to get through each day and every day. without feeling like every think else in the world is moving on and most of us are swimming against the tide,barely treading water.
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Hello everyone,
I’ve been reading through the discussions in this conversation and I just wanted to check in. Our community guidelines do ask that replies are relevant and useful, though we do of course understand that all conversations will move around and change direction organically. Everyone grieves very differently and has different experiences and points of view, so it’s important to be kind and respectful to one another and to yourselves.
If anyone would like to start up a new conversation or would prefer to talk privately with another member, then there are ways to do that. Within this community you can send private messages to a single person or a group, which can be helpful if you’d like to have a conversation away from the public forum. There’s more information about how to send messages here: How do I send a private message?
Similarly anyone can spark up a new conversation at any time, if they have a question, are looking for advice, or just want to share how they’re feeling. If you’re not sure how to do this there’s some more information here: How do I start a new conversation?
Thank you all for your understanding and support. We can be contacted by email at online.community@sueryder.org if anyone has any questions.
Take care,
Eleanor
Hi Eleanor,
Thanks for your reply.
I don’t think anyone did anything wrong or broke any Community Guidelines. I don’t think this forum will work if everyone has to always worry that their post might have “hiajcked” a thread. This forum can only work if we are able to come here and express our grief openly and without being judged. It’s all about the flow and feeling at ease, people shouldn’t have to be thinking each time they post “will someone feel I have taken over their tread, do I need to start a new thread”, because for some people even starting a new thread can be daunting - it took me more than two weeks before I was first able to post on this site.
As for Private Messages, or Group Chats, most people will probably want to avoid those. Everyone here is grieving, if you post about your grief in a private message to someone, you almost feel guilty that you’re dumping your problems onto someone who has their own problems, whereas when you post publicly, you don’t feel this. Also, by posting publicly you feel as if you’re able to share your grief with the world, and then of course, you might get new people replying to you about your grief and offering you comfort, which you wouldn’t get if you were talking about your grief privately with only a few people. And then of course, talking about your grief in public can also help others who read it - I am currently reading a thread on “Missing Mum” where three women, Rachel, Helen and Beans, are all having a discussion about their life after losing their mums. It is benefitting me, and hopefully others too, as we read about their experiences and how they are trying to cope - we would miss out on this if they kept their chat to private.
Maybe it would be a good idea to have a section on “How to get responses”, and then in this section you could mention that a thread will often end up with multiple conversations, and if you want people to reply to your post, then it might be a good idea to start a new thread. In this way, everyone can hopefully get what they want without anyone feeling upset.
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Hello everyone,
I have split some of the posts in this conversation off into two new topics here and here.
Our community guidelines do ask everyone to be supportive and respectful, and this can include respecting the wishes of others to stay on topic in a thread they have started. Obviously, we understand that conversations do wander naturally, and that’s usually fine. But the original poster in the conversation had specifically asked for people not to do this, and people are now ignoring her stated request for support. There has also been a lot of light-hearted chat, which is not appropriate on a thread where a newly bereaved person is asking for help.
Since there have been such major digressions in topic and tone, it’s better that we separate things out so that everyone can focus more easily on what they want to talk about.
I would ask that any further posts about this subject be kept out of this particular conversation thread.
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Hello John’s wife
I am a bit late joining this post . I don’t come on here very often but every so often I get an email with the most recent posts and I saw yours and it resonated with me because my husband Mark died suddenly almost 2 years ago now following a sudden cardiac arrest at home one morning after getting up to go to work . He was 60 . He had not been ill either . The day before he had exercised in his shed . Five hundred rows on his rowing machine . We have a business …a garage . He had worked then had food outside on the patio with me and our youngest daughter . When he went to bed that night he had plans for the next day . When he woke up in the morning and we spoke we had plans . A couple of steps later from bed to bathroom and his life was virtually over despite paramedics , CPR by me and one of his employees I had called for help, air ambulance doctors , followed by stents and 3 days in ICU where he suffered daily further arrests and the preliminary brain scan indicated he had suffered brain damage from the initial collapse .
Now to you . You have had a tremendous shock . The shock affected me physically even though I was not aware that it had . I had a massive panic attack weeks later out of the blue and also a really frightening attack of vertigo . By 4 months I was crying non stop some days despite trying to run the business so I asked for help and started bereavement counselling at the hospital where my husband died . I saw the counsellor once a moth for 18 months . And also had a course of EMDR to help with flashbacks . It was a painful process going through what happened that morning in detail again but less painful than recurring flashbacks and the process worked . I have read lots on grief . I walk my dogs a lot . I have joined in every family event . Some days I still come home and sit on my bench outside and cry . I hate crying but crying is the only option sometimes when I feel overwhelmed. I posted on here a lot in the beginning but then grew out of it . In the beginning it helped tremendously to get my thoughts out and share with others but not so much so towards the end so I stopped . I take what I need and move on . Sounds selfish but your number one job now is to take care of yourself . I hate not having a physical relationship with my husband but I feel a strong bond with him . His energy is everywhere . In the house , in our business …in me . How could it not be ? Your husband’s energy is there . He is there . You just have to find it . Look for signs . I do .
I feel like you might think that I am a bit whacky but I I feel my relationship continues with him through signs in nature and the lyrics of songs that happen just at the right moment .
More recently during lockdown I came across a site on Facebook by someone called Tom Zuba a new way to do grief . Google him . His 18 month old daughter, 43 year old wife and 13 year old son have all died in the past 30 years . He has a book called Permission to mourn . Maybe get it and see if parts of it help . There is also a good book called the A2Z healing toolbox I think by someone called Susan Hannifan Macnab I think which goes through all sorts of stuff you can try to help yourself on this emotional rollercoaster journey of grief . Her husband went out for a drive and was found dead 2 weeks later having crashed in the mountains and gone down a ravine . She was left as a young mother with a five year old son .
Life will be different for you from now on . It is for everyone whose loved one dies whatever the circumstances. You may have trauma as well as grief because of the sudden nature of John’s death . Please ask for help. I did . It is hard work to keep going but you will do it and you will find little bits of joy along the way . Never forget that it is love that is at the root of grief and your love for each other continues .
I hold this post helps in some small way
Sending hugs and understanding
Romy xxxxx
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