Lost my best friend to suicide two days ago

My best friend of 20 years+ decided to hang himself live streaming it. I was at work so totally unaware. He was my best and only friend. He was a very well known person in my area, hundreds have posted on his wall. My friendship was kept off Facebook, people knew we were friends but only those really close knew how close we were. Twice recently it’s me who he’s rang when he’s wanted to die, he gave my son a job and a few days before he died my son and others found him having taken an overdose, they got him to hospital but he came straight out and still wanted to end it so he was then voluntarily sectioned but like I told them as soon as he’s aware of where he is he will walk which is what he did. He left the psychiatric ward and a few hours later hung himself live. He was all I had. I’m struggling cos it seems to be a bit of a competition at the moment on his wall who knew him best, people posting stupid little messages of conversations they’ve had with him to say look how close I was to him, everyone feel sorry for me, but I’m not going to do that. He called me almost everyday and visited me at least once a week, he poured his heart out to me as did I to him. Now when the funeral comes I won’t be able to go as it’s not massively known that I was as close as I was to him so all these people who were his aquaintencies will be at the funeral and there just won’t be any room for me but I know he will want me to be there. I am totally destroyed. I have lost my dad, my cousin, my uncle and now my best friend to suicide. I don’t know how much more I can take. I call my unsympathetic boss at work to say I can’t do tonight’s shift and all I get is “well you won’t get paid cos he wasn’t family”! Like I give a shit! Have a heart, no sorry to hear Steph, no I hope you’re ok Steph, nothing. I have been sat here for two days now just heartbroken.

Hi Steph, I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve lost your best friend to suicide. The fact that he streamed it live online must make it especially shocking and traumatic. It sounds as though you did a lot to try to support him with his suicidal feelings and previous suicide attempt - this is also a lot to cope with, and you will have been through a lot of stress and worry while that was happening as well.

I’m glad that you’ve found this site, and I hope it helps even a tiny bit to be able to share things here. All of our users have lost someone close, and there are others here who have been bereaved by suicide, for example:
@JessicaO: Someone Help Me Cope Please
@Andie: loss by suicide
@Randomhero: Missing my father.

As well as posting here, there is also a really good organisation called Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide, that offers a helpline, local support groups and online support: https://uksobs.org/

I’m sorry to hear that you can’t go to the funeral - are the numbers restricted due to Covid 19? The Quaker Social Action website has some suggestions on ways to say goodbye if you can’t attend a funeral: https://quakersocialaction.org.uk/we-can-help/helping-funerals/down-earth/information-guidance/coronavirus/if-you-cannot-attend

Yes the funeral is limited due to COVID 19 and so I will get overlooked but I know he would be gutted if I didn’t go. He promised me so many times he wouldn’t take his own life, as he knows what I’ve been through but I knew it meant nothing as he also said often that when he’s that low he pretty much forgets he even has family or people who care, it’s all about ending the pain. When he goes on a high he says that he loves that part cos he’s done so much for charity, raised thousands and helped so many people and feels he can take on the world but when he’s down he says nothing silences that voice telling him he wants to die. I know he didn’t want to die, he was the funniest person I’ve ever met. I’m not very good with replying to friends in fact I’m pretty shit but he kept on and would never leave me alone cos he just knew it was how I was. No one understood me like he did. Now hes gone.

Hi Steph. I’ve just joined this forum. My husband took his own life. It was sudden and unexpected and for me life will never be the same again.
I am so sorry you’re going through so much pain. Your friend was a very kind, generous man who loved helping people. He wouldn’t want you to feel sad.
Since my husband died no-one understands how I feel - guilt, pain, sadness. But as the weeks turn into months I learn how to cope with the situation better and my emotions. Be kind to yourself and look after yourself.

Hi Katherine, I noticed this was your first post, and I just wanted to say I am so sorry to hear that your husband took his own life. I’m glad that you’ve found this site, and I hope it helps to be among other bereaved people who will understand some of what you are going through.

You may also benefit from taking a look at the Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide link, which I posted to Steph above.

As well as your reply to Steph here, when you feel ready, you may also wish to start a new conversation yourself in the Losing a Partner category - you should then get some supportive replies from others who have lost their husband or wife.

If there’s anything I can help with or you have any questions about using this site, you can get in touch with me at online.community@sueryder.org.

Thank you Priscilla for your reply. It helps to know that there are people who understand what I’m going through. I am aware that this is Steph’s conversation so I will keep this short. I will look at the 'losing a partner’s section. I am aware of Survivors of Bereavement by suicide.
Before the lockdown I used to attend a 'bereavement ’ group which was nearby. I met about 10 people who had all been recently bereaved and were struggling to cope. These sessions were held weekly and really helped me. We talked to eachother and tried to comfort eachother. But the sessions stopped in March due to the pandemic.

1 Like